So You Want to Be a Travel Blogger?

www.travelocity.com

.....and no, I am not referring to the Travelocity troll.

From dictionary.com:

gnome

2  noun

a short, pithy expression of a general truth; aphorism.

If you are looking to become a travel blogger this year, I beseech you to follow the advice seen below.

The Top 9 Travel Writing Taboos

#1: Avoid cliches like the plague. The Danish in Copenhagen isn't the best thing since sliced bread (since when is sliced bread so great, anyway, I wonder?) When was the last time you really felt like a kid in the candy store? And unless you are trying out a carousel, you don't give things a whirl.

#2: Avoid words you never use when talking. I'm talking iconic, quaint, and rustic. 

#3: Just to prove that I am not overly persnickety, I'll allow one quaint or iconic per article. But never, ever use luxe or azure, for sure.

#4: That the grass is green is not newsworthy. That the beach is sandy is not newsworthy. Don't include useless and/or redundant adjectives. Keep it pithy, people.

#5: Can a city boast? Apparently, it can, as "Chicago boasts the best deep-dish pizza in the world" and "Honolulu boasts grand luxe hotels, sandy beaches, and azure skies."  But IMHO, a place cannot boast.

#6: Is Albania the next Italy? I don't think so. But some travel writers do. "The next...." is not merely cliched writing; it is also somewhat pejorative if you think about it (i.e.--the next best thing to sliced bread....but it ain't no slice of bread).

#7: Don't trash the locals or local customs just for the heck of it. If you do, as in this piece I did for National Geographic Traveler  that literally trash talks Albania, provide context and balance.

#8: Maybe it's me, because I simply abhor chick-lit. Articles about your journey of self-discovery are usually a yawn, even to your closest friends. Sure, an Elizabeth Gilbert or a Frances Mayes may hit the jackpot with prosaic poppycock. But my best advice is to circumvent this form of literary litany.
An aside--why is it that 99 out of 100 of self-confessional, self-delusional pieces are written by women?

#9: Never, never, never use the term "something for everyone" in your writing. It's lazy, it's annoying (to me, anyway) and it's simply not true. Don't you be telling me Des Moines has something for everyone. For example, if you are a surfer, where's the beach? New York City doesn't have something for everyone. If you are a climber, try finding a mountain to scale in Manhattan (skyscrapers don't count). Heck, even Sydney, the best city in the world (again, IMHO), doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are an astronomer, you can't see the Big Dipper and vast parts of Ursa Major in the Australian night sky. But you can pet a koala.

Which brings me to one more parenthetical point. You can pet a koala, but you can't pet a koala bear. Koalas are marsupials, not bears. Put that in your pouch and ponder. And one more point that may save your life one day: If you want to pet a koala, don't do so by awakening it from a eucalyptus-induced stupor. I can tell you from experience... this not a good idea. A koala awakened abruptly from its languor is a vicious animal. But that's a story to be chronicled another time.

The Quirky Museums of St. Petersburg, Russia

After leaving the oh-so-chic Faberge, my next mission is finding the Museum of Hygiene, a Soviet-era relic that would appeal to my taste for the quirky. I head to Italyanskaya Street, which is right around the corner from the Faberge Museum. I stumble upon the sign below  and assume I have accomplished my mission.

It's a natural mistake to make. One sees a microscope, and understands the Cyrillic to read "Museum Russia Levsha".  I don't know what Levsha means, so I'm thinking maybe he's a famous Soviet doctor.  Thus, I go in, pay my admission (300 rubles--same as

the entry fee to the Hermitage), and come upon a caboodle of microscopic masterpieces.

A wee Winnie the Pooh, Piglet
and Eeyore sitting on a walnut shell

I'm talking teeny-tiny works of art--all less than 1 millimeter in size, and all viewable only through a microscope. Clearly, this is not the Museum of Hygiene. No, I have discovered the Russian Levsha, founded by the International Craft Guild of Masters.

Microscopes lined up inside
the  Russian Levsha

Aside from Winnie the Pooh and friends hanging on a walnut shell, you see things like the world's smallest matryoshka doll balanced on the top of a strand of hair and camels carved into the eye of a needle. 

A miniature masterwork by Vladimir Aniskin

In case you are wondering, it turns out that "Levsha" ( Левше) is a Russian folk hero, a left-handed artisan who is able to craft shoes for a flea.   

After peering through dozens of microscopes, it's time to continue my quest for the Museum of Hygiene. And there it is, located just down the block. Housed in yet another St. Petersburg palace (circa 1755), the interior definitely hearkens back to Soviet days. 

I translate this as
"Profane the Nature"
Russian speakers, please correct me.

The museum was founded in 1919, shortly after the Russian Revolution. It was part of the plan by the new Soviet of the People's Commissars to drive home the importance of health and hygiene. 

Aside from numerous posters depicting warnings against all sorts of evil, there's Pavlov's Dog. I kid you not. An encased Pavlov's Dog, which should ring a bell to my intelligent audience, is the centerpiece of an exhibit covering conditioned reflexes. I must admit, looking at the caged beast inspired a gag reflex in me.*

Unconditionally, this is Pavlov's Dog.

Speaking of KG-beasts, another offbeat St. Petersburg museum is Gorokhovaya 2: The History of the Political Police and State Security. The  locals call it the KGB Museum. Sadly, I stumble upon it during the weekend, when it is closed (it's open from 10-6 weekdays). So, I cannot provide a first-hand report. I can say that it is located in an Art Nouveau building that housed the  bodies of political control from pre-Revolution days through the Soviet era. According to the website, inside are expositions covering the "activities of secret services that ensured the political security in the Russian Empire and the USSR, the suppression of dissent, and the role of secret services in political society." 



*More on Pavlov's dogs here.

The collection of international Monopoly games has grown to 36 (32 different countries) since I last wrote about it. So, I thought I'd roll the dice and update the list, with a few explanatory notes in parentheses. Hope you don't get 'board'.
----------------------------------------------------

Those marked (Gift) were bought for me by lovely friends. I welcome other such (Gifts) anytime. But please note,  I only
collect national versions of Monopoly. No Star Wars-opoly or Sports-opoly or Metropolis-opoly, please. 

Most of my games are called Monopoly, or the translated version thereof. For example, the Italian game is Monopoli, while the Russian version is монополия. Unlicensed versions usually sport different names, such as Cambopoly or Property. But several knock-offs, particularly those purchased from Eastern European countries between 1989 and1999, have the official name, but not the official imprimatur of Hasbro.

1.     Argentina (Gift)
2.     Australia.     
3.     Austria
4.     Belgium
5a.   Brazil (Gift)
5b.   Brazil (Monopoly Junior)

Instead of Go to Jail, Cambopoly has a 
Go to Medical Clinic space. 
Coincidentally,  I bought this game immediately after 
being released from the
International SOSMedical Clinic in Phnom Penh,

6a.   Cambodia    (Cambopoly)
6b.   Cambodia    (Siem Reap/Property)
7.     Canada
8.     Denmark

9.     England

The game that started it all.
I bought the English version of
Monopoly while in graduate school there.

10.   Estonia
11.   France
12.   Germany
13.   Hungary
14.   Iceland (Island-opoly)
15.   Ireland
16.   Israel
17.   Italy

Italy's Monopoli, purchased
in the 1980s, used to have painted
wooden tokens including a candlestick and
a bottle of chianti.
Come romantico!

18.   Japan (Gift)
19a. Jordan (Mickey Mouse in Arabic version)  
19b. Jordan (Wild/National Park version)
20.   Lithuania
21.   The Netherlands
22.   New Zealand
23.   Poland (purchased for $1 in September, 1989)
24a. Romania (US caricature version)
24b. Romania (Bucharest version)

Note the caricatures of
U.S. presidents on the money of
this Romanian game.

25a. Russia
25b. Russia (travel size)

I couldn't find a Georgian game
in Tbilisi, so I had to settle
for purchasing a second
 Russian  монополия,  this one travel size.

26.   Singapore
27.   South Africa (purchased in Namibia)
28.   Sweden
29.   Switzerland
30.   Tunisia (bought in a Moroccan souk; realized it was from 
        Tunisia after getting home) 
31.   Turkey
32.   Yugoslavia (purchased in Dubrovnik, September, 1989)

Italic type indicates countries to which I have not traveled.

The Countdown Continues: Travel Writing Gnomes

As loyal readers know, I frequently beef about the current state of travel writing. Too many people are hanging up a 'travel writer' shingle without knowing how to write...and in some cases...not really knowing how to travel. 

Looking for clues as to whether someone is a decent writer? If an article, blog post, and press release is packed with phrases like hidden gems, winter wonderland or the dreaded something for everyone....run away....fast.   

Tusk, Tusk: Elephants Never Forget Trite Writing

For those seeking to become better writers, or for those looking for a laugh, please take a peek at these popular posts, which cumulatively come in at #4 on my Top 9 Posts countdown list.  

The best of the worst: http://dailysuitcase.blogspot.com/2013/10/9-gnomes-about-travel-writing.html

Mr. Bill says, "Oh, nooooo...
not another travel cliche." 

Objecting to Bad Spelling and Improper Direct Objects: http://dailysuitcase.blogspot.com/2013/09/9-more-gnomes-about-travel-writing.html


On redundancies, cliches and something for everyone:
http://dailysuitcase.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-few-more-gnomes.html

Don't be a horse's......
Hightail it to the dictionary,
your 'mane" source for spelling and homonyms

 

The Top 9 Countdown Continues: Happy Sheep Year!

Given that this is The Year of the Sheep, it is somewhat fitting that my pun-filled homage to Idaho's Trailing of the Sheep Festival gets retold today. In fact, the Hemingwayesque tale is among the most popular yarns ever spun on this blog. In fact, as we count down the Top 9 Daily Suitcase posts to date, Idaho entries rank at numbers 6 and 5. Read up and you'll understand why the state should be famous for more than potatoes alone. 

6.  A Farewell to Yarns:  An ode to one of the country's top festivals.

5. Nine Things You Didn't Know About Idaho: Idaho doesn't get a whole lotta love from the rest of the country. Certainly, when most people think of the state, if they think of it at all, images of potato fields and a blue football field come to mind. But Idaho has so much more to offer, including shimmering lakes, spectacular mountains, and quirky museums. I write about the state frequently, but this particular post piqued the most interest.

Payette Lake in McCall

Sun Valley

50 Shades of Wildlife: An R-Rated Valentine's Day Story

Kudos to Widness and Wiggins PR for coming up with this sweetheart of a press release.  
  I've added a few editorial comments of my own in  pink.

All the World Loves a Lover -
Wild Planet Adventures Delivers
Week’s Worth of Animal World Courtship
In Honor of Valentine’s Day

“All the world loves a lover,” mused American thinker, Ralph Waldo Emerson.  That being said, with Valentine’s Day around the corner, here’s a week’s worth of romantic courtship rituals of the wild kingdom.

Wild Planet Adventures, the recognized experts in viewing wildlife through habitat-sustaining practices, call these rituals “Animal Valentines.” Following are founder Josh Cohen’s personal favorites.

1) Gibbons: Nature’s Great Crooners: For these tree-top swingers, marital harmony begins with sonic harmony. Each morning, males and females of these Asian apes sing love duets to each other as the mist burns off the rainforest. The duet is repeated in such precise sequences that it often takes newlyweds many months to learn to make beautiful music together. In a duet between a male and a female, the female's part is a long, rising series of notes that end in a fast "twitter". The male's song is less complicated. He grunts, squeals and whistles in delight. (Sounds familiar) 

2) Tarsiers – Tiny Tenors: 
These tiny, uber-cute, wide-eyed primates use sound as part of their courtship rituals, performed by the male. During courting, potential partners often chase each other around while making distinctive soft sounds. The male, if aroused, will escalate his sound within five minutes of merely looking at an attractive female. The female, if receptive, will display her genitals invitingly; however, if she is not sufficiently wooed, she’ll emit an antagonistic call, often followed by biting and pushing the male away. Ironically, when mating begins, they maintain complete silence. Once bonded, Tarsiers are extremely vocal and make loud shrieks with their partners. In fact, they call in harmony, with each partner making its own distinct sounds. (I got nothing here--I'm still stuck on the female openly displaying her genitals)

3) Resplendent Quetzal: Beauty with Equality: Perhaps the most beautiful of all birds, the resplendent quetzal sports gorgeous two-foot-long green tail feathers, a red breast, blue sides and green crown. In February, just in time for Valentine’s Day, males begin an elaborate courtship ritual to entice females. In a dazzling display of color and sensuality, they circle in the sky with their long tails dancing behind them, then dive down to the cloud forest treetops in hopes of attracting females. By March, once a mate has been selected and the mating process is underway, males can easily be seen sharing nesting duties with females, alternating guarding the eggs every half hour, including sitting on them (the male quetzal is an excellent role model, IMHO) 

4) Tigress – Saving Herself for True Love? Female tigers distinguish between true love and “friends with benefits”. Normally tigers take as long as a full day to develop mutual confidence, through ritualized purring, playing and moving their tails left to right with spring in their steps.  Once the tigress has developed confidence, she will roll over on her back in a playful manner, rub her face, and move closer to the male tiger, who will mount her. Their climax is signaled by a loud roar. Then the tigress turns her head and takes a swipe at the tiger with her foreleg. The tiger instinctively takes evasive action. The tigress then rolls over her back to facilitate insemination. However, if the tiger is a transient male just passing through the area and its dominance is not clearly established, the tigress will treat him like a “friend with benefits”, engaging in “false mating”, but not rolling over on her back.

(I don't know--nookie after only a "full day" of courtship still seems rather slutty to me. Plus, that transient male --seems to me he's getting all the upside without getting kicked in the face)

5) Giraffes – Nature’s Great Neckers: Male giraffes will establish dominance by swinging their heads and necks at each other, followed by a longer period where they will caress one another with their necks and then actually have sex, including reaching climax. Interested females also rub their necks against potential mates as part of their courtship. Recently, researchers also observed adolescent giraffes performing a complicated, prancing, dance-like step that some observers have compared to the fox-trot.  Could giraffes be nature’s greatest romantics? (Is this where the term "necking" came from?)

6) Waved Albatross – Kissing Fools: The complex and expressive courtship ritual of the waved albatross includes extensive kissing and bill-fencing, in which the partners bend, face each other in an exaggerated upright posture, open their bills wide and shut them with a loud clap, often alternating with rapidly clattering their bills or slapping them back and forth. If that isn’t strange enough, they will also bow and circle each another while swaying their heads from side to side in an exaggerated manner.  The newer the pair, the longer and more elaborate the dance. (New reality show on Animal Planet: Dancing with the Albatrosses)

For detailed itineraries, visit http://www.wildplanetadventures.com/.

On Wisconsin, Art and Punditry

If you are looking to become a big cheese in the art world, why not head to Wisconsin? All around the southeastern part of the Dairy State, you can find places where you can imbibe while unleashing your inner Renoir. And guess what? It doesn't cost a lot of monet. Mind you, the medium is not klee, but rather paint. 

Art studios and bars alike are trying to make painting easel by combining spirits and paintbrushes. For example, Milwaukee's Splash Studio is a painting bar catering to artists of all levels. Try a small canvas for a quick 30-minute “mini painting” session or take a full-on class. If you don't feel like picking up a paintbrush, just pick up a pint and work on your pick-up lines aimed at the aspiring artists. Just make it better than, "Hello, Dali.

Courtesy Arte Wine and Painting Studio

At the Arte Wine and Painting Studio in Wauwatosa and Delafield, you don't have to be a stella artist to join the party.There are nightly classes, with painting by numbers instruction provided by pros.  There are also paint tables where studio servers can assist with both your artwork and the bar order. Try one of the art-inspired cocktails.

The Green Room Lounge in DePere is the site of Pass the Paint/Pass the Wine. The event takes place the second and fourth Sundays of every month. For $20, you’ll be supplied with a canvas, paint, brushes and a bottomless glass of wine (not sure what they give you to munch on).  However, this isn't your average art bar experience (if there is such a thing). Think musical chairs meets speed dating (if your date was a canvas). Participants paint for 15 minutes. Then, just when they are running out of de-gas in DePere, they switch canvases with someone else and so on and so on. 

The Paint Nite Events website canvases other options throughout southeastern Wisconsin. You can also make lautrec over to www.artsboard.wisconsin.gov. The moral of the story--when in the Dairy State, if you keep your ear to the ground, you might become the next Vincent Van Gouda.
 

Who's That Dude?

You can’t go a few blocks in Washington without tripping over a statue. In some cases, those depicted are familiar faces. Hello, Abe. Greetings, Mr. Einstein. But there are other times, when, after tripping over the statue, you look up and wonder, “Who’s that dude?” Parenthetically, for those offended by the male gender connotation of dude, note that the vast majority of DC's statues depict men.

Say you are wandering through Meridian Park, located in northwest DC. Suddenly, you stumble upon a statue of a dude flanked by a twosome representing law and democracy. Quick, who's that dude? It's James Buchanan. President #15 was hardly a gem--he’s rated among the worst by historians. The pre-Civil War leader is noted for doing little to prevent the growing schism between North and South. Nonetheless, the country’s only bachelor president gets a statue in the nation's capital, albeit hidden away in a place most visitors will never get to.

Even though Buchanan is somewhat obscure, at least he has the presidential claim to fame. If you pass by the Samuel Hahnemann Monument at the intersection of Rhode Island and Massachusetts, you have every right to wonder, “who’s that dude?”  Hahnemann was a German physician known for developing homeopathy. In the early 1900s, the American Institute of Homeopathy dedicated the impressive bronze and granite structure to this early Western practitioner of alternative medicine.

www.nps.gov

Who’s lesser-known than Hahnemann? Does the name John Ericsson ring a bell? If it doesn’t, don’t worry, you don’t have a screw loose. But Ericsson, who is honored with a national memorial near the National Mall (Ohio and Independence), did invent the screw propeller. The Swedish engineer revolutionized naval history, it is said, with this invention. The dude also designed the USS Monitor, which was instrumental in the Union victory during the Civil War.