So You Want to Be a Travel Blogger?

www.travelocity.com

.....and no, I am not referring to the Travelocity troll.

From dictionary.com:

gnome

2  noun

a short, pithy expression of a general truth; aphorism.

If you are looking to become a travel blogger this year, I beseech you to follow the advice seen below.

The Top 9 Travel Writing Taboos

#1: Avoid cliches like the plague. The Danish in Copenhagen isn't the best thing since sliced bread (since when is sliced bread so great, anyway, I wonder?) When was the last time you really felt like a kid in the candy store? And unless you are trying out a carousel, you don't give things a whirl.

#2: Avoid words you never use when talking. I'm talking iconic, quaint, and rustic. 

#3: Just to prove that I am not overly persnickety, I'll allow one quaint or iconic per article. But never, ever use luxe or azure, for sure.

#4: That the grass is green is not newsworthy. That the beach is sandy is not newsworthy. Don't include useless and/or redundant adjectives. Keep it pithy, people.

#5: Can a city boast? Apparently, it can, as "Chicago boasts the best deep-dish pizza in the world" and "Honolulu boasts grand luxe hotels, sandy beaches, and azure skies."  But IMHO, a place cannot boast.

#6: Is Albania the next Italy? I don't think so. But some travel writers do. "The next...." is not merely cliched writing; it is also somewhat pejorative if you think about it (i.e.--the next best thing to sliced bread....but it ain't no slice of bread).

#7: Don't trash the locals or local customs just for the heck of it. If you do, as in this piece I did for National Geographic Traveler  that literally trash talks Albania, provide context and balance.

#8: Maybe it's me, because I simply abhor chick-lit. Articles about your journey of self-discovery are usually a yawn, even to your closest friends. Sure, an Elizabeth Gilbert or a Frances Mayes may hit the jackpot with prosaic poppycock. But my best advice is to circumvent this form of literary litany.
An aside--why is it that 99 out of 100 of self-confessional, self-delusional pieces are written by women?

#9: Never, never, never use the term "something for everyone" in your writing. It's lazy, it's annoying (to me, anyway) and it's simply not true. Don't you be telling me Des Moines has something for everyone. For example, if you are a surfer, where's the beach? New York City doesn't have something for everyone. If you are a climber, try finding a mountain to scale in Manhattan (skyscrapers don't count). Heck, even Sydney, the best city in the world (again, IMHO), doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are an astronomer, you can't see the Big Dipper and vast parts of Ursa Major in the Australian night sky. But you can pet a koala.

Which brings me to one more parenthetical point. You can pet a koala, but you can't pet a koala bear. Koalas are marsupials, not bears. Put that in your pouch and ponder. And one more point that may save your life one day: If you want to pet a koala, don't do so by awakening it from a eucalyptus-induced stupor. I can tell you from experience... this not a good idea. A koala awakened abruptly from its languor is a vicious animal. But that's a story to be chronicled another time.

A Few More Gnomes....

Now that everyone and his or her brother claims to be a travel writer, it's high time to improve the craft.  The response to a recent column I re-posted on travel writing taboos makes it clear that there's a demand for more travel writing advice. So, here goes.

GNOME

 2  [nohm, noh-mee]  Show IPA

noun

a short, pithy expression of a general truth; aphorism  

Let's talk more about the gnomes of bad travel writing. First, however, let me note that during the course of two decades of travel writing, a sharp-eyed reader might discover I have employed a gno-gno (except #1 below) on rare occasion. No one's perfect, but I try to avoid them like the plague (click link for my commentary on cliches). 
                                                      ------------------

1. Can a destination have something for everyone? NO, NO and NO

The Lake Lucerne region has something for everyone (e-mail from Lucerne Tourism)

Spain has something for everyone (a powerpoint presentation shown at Academic Travel Abroad)

There's something for everyone in Santa Barbara's wine country (Destination California supplement in Meetings and Conventions) 

Quintana Roo (Mexico) has something for everyone (Travel Weekly) 

Who knew? However, I beg to differ. Lake Lucerne does not have a nude beach; Spain does not have a desert; Santa Barbara's wine country does not have skiing; nor, for that matter, does Quintana Roo. No  matter how amazing a place is, I defy you, dear reader, to find  a location that actually has something for everyone. If you are an aspiring travel writer, my #1 piece of advice is to NEVER use this lazy phrase.

2. Awkward uses of words

While technically correct, writers often use words that are passé, grammatically questionable, or of questionable connotation. For example, I recently read that "Northern California is fraught with something for everyone, offering meeting planners all they could ever wish for." 

Let's ignore for a minute that my favorite phrase is used, and that the sentence ends in a preposition. As soon as I read the word fraught, my heart starts beating faster. True, it officially is defined as filled or laden, but in common parlance, it is usually used with a negative connotation (the mission was fraught with danger, it was a fraught situation). Therefore, using the word to connote a beneficial thing seems off.  

Similarly, a 20-something travel writer, in discussing his visit to Estonia, talks about the Communistic era. Yes, communistic is a word, officially, but never, in 20 years of writing about Eastern Europe, had I ever seen the word used. Try to redline words that make readers stop in their tracks. 

3. Redundancy

Re·dun·dan·cy
  [ri-duhn-duhn-see]  Show IPA

noun, plural re·dun·dan·cies.

1. Superfluous repetition or overlapping, especially of two words.

How about truly unique, absolutely essential, or old adage? I'd go on, but I don't want to be redundant.

4. Of quaint hidden gems nestled in breathtaking mountains populated by friendly locals...

...and all those other aggravating travel cliches.

5. And just because it bothers me...

Whether you love ice skating or swimming; whether you are into history or metallurgy; whether you are a man, woman or hermaphrodite, it is absolutely essential (see #3) to see Destination X. 

The whether/or construction is simply overused in travel writing. See whether or not you can avoid it.

So You Want to Be a Travel Blogger? 10 More Gnomes...

Following up on the popular So You Want to Be a Travel Blogger, I present an elfin dectet of malapropisms that make me grouchy.

www.photigy.com

1. The Bordeaux does not compliment the filet mignon, unless it is able to magically speak. Wine complements an entree by supplementing it or making it whole. It does not tell the steak what a fine piece of meat it is (unless it is rude wine).

2. If you want to insure a good trip, buy TravelGuard. However, if you want to ensure a good trip, do your research in advance and stay at nice hotels. Cozying up in a comfy bed can assure most people that a good night of sleep is in store..

3. Despite what Lady Gaga and many other song lyricists write, nothing is between you and I. It’s between you and me. Me is an object pronoun; I is a subject pronoun. Between is a preposition. Prepositions take the object pronoun. Please don’t keep this between you and me.

4. If something is between two people, it's between them. If it's "between" three people, it's really not. It's among three people.

5. Did I illicit a response from you on the last item? I should hope not. Perhaps I elicited a reaction, though. Illicit means outside the law. Elicit is to draw forth.or to evoke.

State images courtesy
www.worldatlas.com

6. Texas is not larger then Delaware. It is, however, larger than Delaware. Then is an adverb signifying time (First, I'll visit Texas. Then, I'll go to Delaware). Than is a comparative word.

7. The phrase “with all due respect” is usually spoken, not written. But whenever it is used, there’s most likely a heavy undertone of sarcasm. If you have to lead off a sentence with the phrase, it likely signifies an absolute lack of respect for the principle under discussion.

8. Or perhaps you have no due respect for the principal under discussion, if you are talking about the dude who has establishing the principles for your high school’s code of conduct.

9. A unicorn is not kind of unique or rather unique or even uniquely unique. If something is unique, it is one-of-a-kind. No qualifier is necessary.

10. Do not refer to the doohickey from which you withdraw cash in a foreign country as an ATM machine. ATM = automated teller machine, so if you write ATM machine, you are being redundant, repetitive.

Please tell me about your most irksome gnomes in the comments section.