Laura on TV

One of my infamous spokesperson gigs. This interview, done with NYC's It's a Glam Thing blog, was #23 of 23 completed in a five-hour satellite/studio window. Vanity Alert: Between the camera adding 10 pounds  and the compression of the video to fit the web format, I look more beefier than I am. That beautiful David Meister dress is a Size 2, people.

http://bcove.me/qi21l66b

Pun Day

Loyal readers know that I cannot resist a pun. And so, when a out-of-town friend posted a picture of his family posing in front of the Department of Energy on Facebook, I queried:

You come to Washington post-electron and subject your nuclear family to the Department of Energy? Watt's up with that? Next time you wander down the A(tlantic) C(oast) to DC, let me enlighten you to more au current (sic)  power places off the tourism grid. Chu on that, okay?
----------------
I am winging off to Toronto next week, which means I am somewhat in a rush to compile a notebook of Canadian puns. Hopefully, I will not be skating on thin ice when I share them with you. I don't want to drive anyone loony.

O, if only I got a nickelback for every groan elicited by my wordplay, I would be a very rich woman. Yukon take that to the bank. On the other hand, if said coinage was taken away, I might end up one of the Bare Naked Ladies. But worry not, when it comes to nudity, I'll have Nunavut.

Horsing Around

As my loyal readers know, I like nothing better than a good pun. The following conversation took place on my Facebook page this week. It should leave you with your filly of horseplay.

A secretariat my office

So, I am in downtown Washington, wearing, quite appropriately as it develops, cowboy boots and jeans. Heading to a 'do hosted by the Austin CVB when suddenly, I find myself amidst a sea of horse's asses. Neigh, not the standard-issue DC night-mares...but literally horse's asses, complete with thoroughbreds attached. Lo and behold, the International Horse Show is here. I believe the event's patron saint is Saint Thomas Equinas.

Comments: 
PB: Clever, Laura!
KR: And you have the horse sense to have unbridled joy over this.
Me: I'm furlong unstable, today. C'mon, people, make me feel better and shower me with horse puns. Let it rein. 
DM: So, there really is a pun gene and I am missing that part of the helix...I cantor think of a single one.
Me: There's a flicka of hope for you.
CM: I'm so glad your dressage was appropriate for the occasion. But don't get carriaged away now.
Me: Thank you, everyone, for your feedbag.  

Want to jump into the ring? Be a palomino and pony up some of your equinist punditry here.

Laura on TV

My most recent appearance on NewsChannel 8 features fall getaways and odd election travel tie-ins.

Outrunning the Presidents Race

This time, I am talking about the real one, and not the one recently won by Teddy Roosevelt at Nationals Park. If you live anywhere in the United States, it is difficult to get away from the race between Obama and Romney, especially with less than a month to go before election day. But imagine the plight of those who live in and around Washington, DC. Politics is always ubiquitous, and if it's possible, even more so during the month before a presidential election. To boot, Virginia is in play, which means that even in deep blue DC, we are being pelted with ads from the right, from the left, and from those central players involved in the game thanks to Citizens United.

So, what's a Washingtonian to do? My advice is to get away and avoid TV. Fortunately, in these Mid-Atlantic parts, October is the perfect time to do just that. After all, it's fall foliage season and Virginia Wine Month, all in one stellar month.

During the past decade, Virginia has become purple in more ways than one. In addition to swinging Obama in 2008 (despite having a state leader Rachel Maddow dubs as "Governor Ultrasound"), the state has mauved to the center of the East Coast wine movement. With more than 200 wineries, the Old Dominion is #5 on the state list of wine production, a statistic that would make one Thomas Jefferson very proud. Throughout October, Virginia wineries and vineyards celebrate the grape every weekend with tastings, harvest festivals, live music, and art shows. Check out www.virginiawine.org for a full calendar of events from around the state.

Next up--leaf peeping. October is the month for fall color in Virginia, West Virginia and Maryland. The best color starts mid-month in the mountainous regions of this stately trifecta. For a status report on  Virginia's non-partisan colors, call (800) 424-LOVE. For West Virginia updates, call (800) CALL-WVA.  Maryland's number is (800) 532-8371.  Finally, if you want to venture even farther, the U.S. Forest Service hotline reports on foliage throughout the country at (800) 354-4595.

Fully sated by nature's bounty, head back to home in November and remember to vote.






Next

A Farewell to Yarns: A Sheep's Tale in the Land of Hemingway

When I attended The Trailing of the Sheep Festival in Idaho last year, I admit that I was a woolly virgin. But after spending three days with my friends of the Ovis Aries stock, I became a sheep feta-shist. As this year's festival looms, I reminisce about attending what has become my favorite American festival. Please enjoy, my little lamb chops.

Ever since I caught wind of its existence, I have been fixated on attending The Trailing of the Sheep Festival, which takes place in Hailey and Ketchum, Idaho every October. Perhaps it was the sheep poetry sessions that roped me in....after all, who could resist a sheep bleating Keats.

At any rate, as my obsession grew, I knit together a fantasy about becoming Queen of the Sheep. My dream was to show off my good breeding by donning a tiara and walking amongst my little lambs as we strode in unison down the streets of Ketchum. In order to blend in (somewhat) with the flock, I would enrobe myself in a virgin wool fleece frock.

And so, in order to get out of a rut and make my dream come true, I booked a trip to the Sun Valley area for the autumn of 2011. Hailing from Washington, DC, I decided the best way to win the title was to start lobbying Hailey town elders and the festival organizers. But as I grazed the landscape, I realized there might be a few hitches in my plan. First, I discovered that "The Trailing of the Sheep" took place during Yom Kippur weekend. Now, if this festival were to be renamed "Jews and Ewes" or "Hey, Ewe Jew", I would be a lock for the title. But alas, it was not, and I started to fear that the parade would be taking place on the Holy Day itself. Even though I planned to maintain my fast, I wondered if it would be kosher in God's eyes to be parading amongst sheep while atoning. On one hand, Moses was a shepherd. Still, he led his most important flock around Passover and not the High Holidays.

Courtesy: TravelAge West

As I ruminated over this ruminant dilemma, I discovered that the parade was delayed until the day after Yom Kippur. Thus, I was back on the non-fast track to becoming sheep royalty. But soon enough, I was brought to the realization that my lovely dream could become a wolf in sheep's clothing. While having a moveable feast at the home of the lovely owners of a Ketchum art gallery, the husband started raining a bit on my parade. (Said husband, parenthetically, hence the parentheses, resembled a hip version of Mr. Keaton, the dad on "Family Ties"). Mr. Bleatin' advised me that, at times, the parading sheep have been known to run amok. One sheep wanders off in a different direction and the entire flock ends up pulling a big ewe-turn. Or, Mr. Baa Humbug noted, as the hills at the end of the parade route come into sight, the sheep sometimes start stampeding to quicken the journey to their winter digs.

At any rate, instead of ending the parade in a path of glory, I suddenly envisioned myself in my own private Pamplona, overtaken by a mad mob of sheep goring me with their puffballs of wool and leaving me with tiara askew and my garb transformed into the world's largest livery of lint.

Of course, the citizens of Ketchum might not take kindly to this intruder amongst their ranks, no matter how stunning said intruder was. In fact, the stunt might even get their collective goat. Therefore, after rising up, dusting myself off, and repositioning my tiara, I realized I might have to go on the lamb (sic) or risk being pelted. However, I knew it was likely that I would be quickly found, as after the sheep were long gone, I would be the only one in the valley for whom the smell lolled.

Thank ewe very much.

The 2012 rendition of the festival takes place October 11-14. Details are available at www.trailingofthesheep.org. 

The Real Presidents Race

BREAKING NEWS: TEDDY WINS! October 3, 2012

I suppose my love affair with Teddy Roosevelt started when USA Today assigned me to write about the best place to see wildlife in Washington, DC (excluding Capitol Hill). Not wanting to take the easy way out and yak about The National Zoo, I opted instead to cover Theodore Roosevelt Island, which, although located on the Virginia side of Potomac, is actually part of DC.

This little-known homage to our nation's 26th president was quite a find. The pristine island combines Teddy's love of nature with a statue you would swear came out of the Soviet Union. Even though said statue was a bit reminiscent of Stalin, I still left the island tsarry-eyed. 

Yet, my love affair with Teddy lay dormant for more than a year. But suddenly, watching an ESPN segment about the Presidents Races at Washington Nationals Park made me fall head over heels all over again.

The eight-minute piece, narrated by Ken Burns, highlights Teddy's travails during these races, which feature the four presidents depicted on Mount Rushmore. The quartet is made up of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and one Theodore Roosevelt. The race takes place once during each Nationals home game and Teddy always loses. 

Yes, during the course of five years, Teddy has won nary a race. The Let Teddy Win blog famously outlines many close but no cigar finishes. There was, for example, the time Teddy was tripped up by Martha Washington. Another time, the Kool-Aid mascot made him pitch over. Adding insult to injury, he has lost, in team mascot races, to stuffed pierogis, sausages, and beer steins.

The ESPN piece outlines this sad story, and poetically ends with the mascot of Teddy sitting in front of his statue on his island in the middle of the Potomac. 

The story tugged at my heart strings. And I was not alone. For on September 20, President Obama himself threw his support behind the Let Teddy Win movement, agreeing with Senator John McCain that a congressional inquiry might be needed
to look into Teddy-Gate..

But I digress. After watching the ESPN story, I knew I needed to immediately make a beeline to Nationals Park to watch the race (thank you, Destination DC, for the ticket) and cheer Teddy on. Surely, with my  loving support urging him home, finally, this time, Teddy would win.

I left my seat just once during the entire game, which is a world record for my bladder. It was after the third inning. But the top of the fourth was a quick one-two-three-out inning, and unbeknownst to me, the race always take place in the middle of the fourth. Thus, when I got back to my seat, I discovered I missed the show. I was crushed. That night when I got back home, I could only console myself by viewing Presidents Races past on YouTube and catching up on the Let Teddy Win blog. Thus did Teddy become my Saturday night squeeze. We spent a lovely evening together.

As this baseball season is drawing to a close, I will not likely be able to get to the stadium again in 2012...unless I somehow manage to wrangle playoff tickets. And I do have a good feeling about  Teddy's chances this post-season--he now has bi-partisan backing and this is, after all, the first time the Nationals have even made the playoffs. So, it could be Teddy's time.

And if not, I guess I will simply repeat the mantra that plays in my head every October as a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. Wait until next year, my dear Teddy bear. 

By the way, rumor has it the Nats will be adding another president to take part in next year's races. Who do you think should be the fifth Beatle? 

Top 9 Childhood Toys

In a previous post, I discussed a Top 20 list of toys circa 1910-2010 that was compiled as part of a poll conducted by the Children's Museum of Indianapolis (CMI). I vehemently quibbled with the results. But instead of trying to correct the errors of 24,000 poll takers, I will compile my own list--this one, as is my wont, a Top 9 roster. It excludes board games, as that seems to me to be a separate subject.

Laura's Top 9 List of Toys from her Childhood :

   1. Barbie: 'Nuf said.  

2. Canadian Hockey Table Top Game: I'm not talking Air Hockey, nor a table masquerading as a hockey game. Instead, what my older brother and I lovingly called "Game-da-Plink" measured about two and a half feet long and 18 inches across. The skaters were tin Flat Stanley Mikitas, posted on metal sticks that slid between specific slits in the "ice" (allowing for limited, albeit 360 degree, movement). Players had to maneuver each skater by hand-operated rods. Therefore, the game took a great deal of manual dexterity, as each person was responsible for five skaters, plus the goalie. This game was old school--no  newfangled innovations (at the time) like the overhead puck dropper or an electronic scoreboard. Although our little tin men were Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens, most were anonymous, except for the wing man we called Badly Injured. Poor Badly Injured--he was constantly toppling off his post. The play-by-play from the era  (narrated by whoever didn't have Badly Injured that day) went like this: "Badly Injured gets the pass, he turns, he shoots, he topples over."  (I should mention that perhaps it was this early experience that propelled me toward a college sportscasting career doing play-by-play for minor league baseball, women's basketball, and synchronized swimming).

Oh shoot the puck, fond memories of Badly Injured and multiple victories over my older brother have caused me to drastically digress. Let's get back to my Top 9 list.

3. Ping-Pong Basketball: By which I mean the one complete with spring-loaded levers to pop the ball out of the hole and into the hoop. Not to be confused with the Thai version. And, parenthetically, if these sporting games sound archaic, please note they belonged to my much, much older sibling.

4. Skate Boards

5. Model Trains
6. Little Kiddles
7. Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head

   8. Etch-a-Sketch

   And last, but not least:

9. Ken. Poor Ken. Such a second fiddle, yet such a trailblazer. Back in my childhood days, he was simply before his time. Now, my particular Ken had bendable (and shaved) legs, so I could never get his pants on. Still, this didn't cause major problems in the Barbie bedroom, as the couple slept on bunk beds formed by placing the Barbie wardrobe case on its side at night. By day, Ken perused said wardrobe, and was particularly fond of Barbie's Trans World outfit.  (Apologies for the different type--apparently, Blogger thinks Ken requires an alternative font style.) 

Which toys make your list? And if you were to choose among board games, how would Candy Land and MONOPOLY, as named in the CMI poll, stack up against Operation, Trivial Pursuit, or the Game of Life? Don't toy with me. Just leave your thoughts.

Meandering Around Maryland

Here's a copy of my most recent weekend travel supplement for The Washington Post. It appeared in The Washington Post Magazine yesterday. Enjoy.

¿Dónde está Barbie?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am appalled. The Children's Museum of Indianapolis has just announced the results of its "100 Toys That Define Our Childhood" contest. According to the popular vote of the 24,000 responding to the poll, the favorite toy from the past century is one G.I. Joe. G.I. don't think so.

IMHO, there is absolutely no question that Barbie should have been #1. But travesty upon travesty, not only is she not #1...she doesn't even rate a bronze medal. Transformers came in second and LEGO got the bronze spot.
WTF? Who voted in this contest? Not to sound sexist, but it sounds like some boy toys stacked the competition.

But let me get back to a little journalism here. The goal of this poll was to determine, from a list of 100 toys compiled by curators of The Children's Museum's collection, the ten most iconic.  After five weeks of public voting, the list of 100 was narrowed down to the top 20. From said list, the public once again was asked to rank favorites. In the wisdom of these masses, the Top 10 are as follows:

#1  G.I. Joe                           #7 Cabbage Patch Kids      
#2  Transformers                   #8  Crayons
#3  LEGO                             #9  Play-Doh  
 #4  Barbie                            #10 MONOPOLY
#5  View-Master
#6  Bicycles 

Regarding #10, I couldn't be happier, although I do think board games should have been a separate category.
Nevertheless, as a collector of international versions of Monopoly (I have more than three dozen), I'm a big fan of the board...although I do get rather bored when I play the game. By the way, dear reader, the stories behind the collection of those international games--ranging from Australia to Israel (in Hebrew) to Poland (pre-1989) to Tunisia (pre-2000) to Yugoslavia (pre-the break-up) will be detailed in upcoming posts.


The also-rans:

#11 Raggedy Ann
#12 Spirograph
#13 Etch a Sketch 
#14 Little Golden Books
#15 Hot Wheels
#16 Lincoln Logs
#17 Candy Land
#18 Roller Skates
#19 Silly Putty
#20 Mr. Potato Head 
Again, I am disappointed with the low rating for our spudly buddy. I definitely eye him for the Top 10. Yukon be sure I will discuss Mr. P.H. and others in my next post, which will serve up my own Top 10....or maybe my Top 9 given my contrarian nature. Meantime, what were some of your favorite childhood toys? And if there were a separate category for games, which would be on your list? Operation? Masterpiece? Sorry? Please weigh in.

Nine Gnomes About Travel Writing...

...and no, I am not referring to the Travelocity troll. Look it up.

Meantime, a summer of ennui, spent mainly in the confines of swampy Washington, DC, has left me at a loss for words. That is why, dear reader, you note a paucity of posts penned in August. But this week, I have a mission. For I must lecture a group of wannabe travel writers on the ins and outs of the trade. As the class is taking place at the USDA (as in the U.S. Department of Agriculture) grad school, perhaps I should first have the flock read my novella on the Trailing of the Sheep Festival in Idaho. Or perhaps my students will enjoy this homage to the Idaho potato. Or perhaps my students at this point are thinking, "If trips to Idaho are all I can expect from a career in travel writing, why bother?" Now, as anyone who knows me and who knows my inexplicable love for that state knows, I would say that even if trips to Idaho are all you get, some might consider you one lucky spud. But alas, I have taken my eye of the ball....which is not to praise Idaho, but to teach my fledgling scribes something about travel writing. Selfishly, I am also trying to type my way out of a profound case of writer's block.

So, how about a lesson in the Top 9 Travel Writing Taboos? It floats my boat. So, to wit, let's start.

#1: Avoid cliches like the plague. The Danish in Copenhagen isn't the best thing since sliced bread (since when is sliced bread so great, anyway?) Since when did you actually feel like a kid in the candy store, even if you are an art historian and you were hanging at the Louvre (actually, if you were hanging at the Louvre, you might be a masterpiece). And unless you were trying out a carousel, you don't give things a whirl.

#2: Avoid words you never use when talking. I'm talking iconic, quaint, and rustic. 

#3: Okay, just to show that I am not overly persnickety, I'll allow one quaint or iconic per article. But never, ever use luxe or azure. Just don't.

#4: That the grass is green is not newsworthy. That the beach is sandy is not newsworthy. Don't include useless and/or redundant adjectives. Keep it pithy, people.

#5: Can a city boast? Apparently, it can, as "Chicago boasts the best deep-dish pizza in the world" and "Honolulu boasts grand luxe hotels, sandy beaches, and azure skies."  But IMHO, a place cannot boast.

#6: Is Albania the next Italy? I don't think so. But some travel writers do. "The next..." is not merely cliched writing; it is also somewhat pejorative if you think about it (i.e.--the next best thing to sliced bread....but it ain't no slice of bread).

#7: Don't trash the locals or local customs just for the heck of it. If you do, as in this piece I did for National Geographic Traveler on trash in Albania (seriously), provide context and balance.

#8: Maybe it's me, because I simply abhor chick-lit. But articles about your journey of self-discovery are usually a yawn, even to your closest friends. Sure, an Elizabeth Gilbert or a Frances Mayes may hit the jackpot with prosaic poppycock. But my best advice is to circumvent this form of literary litany.
An aside--why is it that 99 out of 100 of these self-confessional, self-delusional pieces are written by women?

#9: Never, never, never use the term "something for everyone" in your writing. It's lazy, it's annoying (to me, anyway) and it's simply not true. Don't you be telling me Des Moines has something for everyone. For example, if you are a surfer, where's the beach? New York City doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are a climber, try finding a mountain to scale in Manhattan (skyscrapers don't count). Heck, even Sydney, the best city in the world (again, IMHO), doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are an astronomer, you can't see the Big Dipper and vast parts of Ursa Major in the Australian night sky.
But you can pet a koala.

Which brings me to one more somewhat non-related point. You can pet a koala, but you can't pet a koala bear. Koalas are marsupials, not bears. Put that in your pouch and ponder. Oh, one more point--if you do want to pet a koala, don't do so by awakening it from a eucalyptus-induced sloom. I can tell you from experience...not a good idea. They are vicious, vicious I tell you. But that's a story for another post.

Of Country, Crabs and Cars

Details for those of you who watched my appearance on NewsChannel 8 about nearby getaways.



Country
Goodstone Inn, Middleburg, Virginia:  This luxurious country inn in the heart of Virginia's wine and hunt country is pricey (rooms range from $300'ish to $800 a night). Still, it's the perfect place (if your pocketbook acquiesces) to eat up Farm-to-Fork, a Loudoun County celebration of locally-sourced food and fine wine.
Goodstone Celebrates Farm-to-Fork Loudoun   July 25-August 5
10% off rack rates/one night; 15% off rack/two nights, plus full country breakfast each morning, $25 gift card for the restaurant, and other value-added goodies.

The Inn at Perry Cabin, St. Michaels, Maryland: This Eastern Shore favorite offers 40% off a third night through August 30.

Crabs
Feeling crabby? The Hyatt Regency Chesapeake Bay Resort can cure what ails you. During the luxury property's Third Annual Crab Week, running from August 17-31, guests can learn how to catch and prep crabs; how to eat crab; and how to race a crab. Additional activities include local craft beer tastings, crab-inspired cookie decorating, and the crab de grace--a crab cake eating contest.

What's more, with the Hyatt Free Time package, guests who stay two nights get a third night free. Just mention offer code FRTIME when reserving a room. So, don't be a hermit and come to Cambridge to celebrate Maryland's state crustacean.

Cars
If you prefer car racing to crab racing, wait until Labor Day weekend and drive yourself to Baltimore. The Second Annual Grand Prix of Baltimore zooms through the streets of the city and the Inner Harbor from August 31-September 2. Hotels on the Inner Harbor have the inside track for auto aficionados. The Hyatt Regency Baltimore; The Marriott Inner Harbor at Camden Yards, and the Sheraton Inner Harbor (the official hotel of the Baltimore Grand Prix) are all offering packages including tickets for the race and rooms with a view.

God Bless Bieber, God Save the Queen, and God Knows What Else is in SkyMall

This post was originally conceived as a piece about helpful items to bring on a two-week TransSiberian Express adventure. However, a change of itinerary left me merely armchairing SkyMall on a plane rather than giving berth to an article on train travel.

Having never read SkyMall cover to cover, I took the opportunity to do so on a flight from Washington, DC to San Francisco. Below are some of the items that intrigued me, amused me, or otherwise unhinged me.

Let’s start with the erudite. I never mind a little in-flight education, unless it comes via a boring seatmate. The best way to learn and to shut out said space interloper at the same time is to throw on some earphones and listen to your lovely Complete Works of Beethoven, only $169.00 on SkyMall.  Or opt to learn a language via Rosetta Stone. Courses cost between $179.99 and $499.99 and they include an app for that.

All images from SkyMall Catalog

If your body is aching in flight, as mine was, the appeal of the SomaWave Helmut ($79.99, batteries not included) beckons. Sure, you’ll look like a space alien or an escapee from an insane asylum as you don the metal cap.  But the catalog copy insists it’s “like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp“ and  its "euphoria-inducing waves may produce sleep or a trance-like state of consciousness."  If it sounds too good to be true, note that the product reviews tell potential purchasers to wave bye-bye to this flight of fancy.

A little less high-tech is the ReLeaf Neck Nest ($19.99). You’ll look like a stylin’ Catholic priest wearing a black dickey highlighted with royal blue. Unlike U-shaped pillows that plop your head forward, this clerical collar keeps you on the straight and narrow. And you can fold it up and throw it in your carry-on.

Now, if a long plane flight has your spirits down, SkyMall believes there might be some magic in star power. Take, for example, Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrushes. You have two choices. One plays Baby and (appropriately) U Smile, while the other plays Somebody to Love and Love Me. Each tune lasts two minutes, which is optimal brushing time, according to nine out of ten Canadian dentists. Vibrating brushes range in price from $14.99 to $27.99, although you can also buy a mute manual Bieber brush for the bargain bounty of $2.99. And just in time for food stuck between teeth--mint-flavor Bieber floss ($2.99).
Loony.

For those with a little more class, how about a Diamond Jubilee Solar-Powered Queen? A solar battery in her purse ensures that familar steady steady wave ($21.95). If you like, you can accessorize the monarch with a solar-powered corgi ($14.95), who will nod his head happily. Prince Philip not included. 

Daily Suitcase Goes on a Week-Long Adventure

Literally. My suitcase has, in the past week, been spotted around the world. At times, it has been seen at two different places at the same time. I either have a magical suitcase or one that is experiencing binary fission.

To recap my worldly bag's itinerary:

On July 4, I flew from Washington National (DCA) to San Francisco (SFO). I was supposed to travel on to Beijing (PEK, BTW), but fell ill on the plane (long story). As soon as I disembarked, I, the ever responsible traveler, alerted the gate agent of my condition and he said the bag would be pulled from the Beijing flight.

After taking an hour to schlep over to the SFO Travel Clinic, which was closed for the holiday, I wandered down to United Baggage Claim's "Help" Desk. One agent was manning the desk. The line had about four people ahead of me. Twenty minutes later, the line was down to one person in front of me. Unfortunately, that person shanghai'ed the staffer and took her away for 40 minutes. No replacement came as the line behind me grew steadily. Finally, after an hour, I was attended to, and told my bag was somewhere at SFO.

I was at the airport another hour (I arrived at 11:00; my flight to Beijing was to leave at noon; it was now 2:00). I went back to the service desk, where a manager insisted the bag was in the airport and in fact, on its way to the service desk at that very moment. Half an hour later, it still didn't arrive, so I left with a friend who rescued me from the airport.

On the morning of July 5,  I called United Baggage Claim and learned the bag was in Beijing. How it got to Beijing, unless it was never pulled from the noon flight the day before, is a mystery (and remember, it was reportedly in San Francisco when the flight to Beijing took off). I requested its return to San Francisco.

On the morning of July 6, the bag was still in Beijing. At that point, with a glimmer of hope that I might actually get to Beijing, I asked United to hold the bag in China until further notice.

On the evening of July 6, pretty sure I would not be flying to China, I called again. Agents told me the bag was last reported in Washington, DC at DCA on July 5. Imagine my confusion.

On the morning of July 7, definite I would not fly to China, I checked on the bag and it was still said to be somewhere in Washington, DC. This, of course, didn't make sense because it had been reported both in San Francisco and Beijing since July 5.


As my plane landed at Washington Dulles (IAD) at 10:30 PM on July 7, I figured that I might as well check at United Baggage Claim at the airport since I was there (feeling oh-so-lovely, BTW). The guy there said the bag was in Beijing. He gave me a non-toll-free number for United Help in Houston, saying the people staffing that number were more likely to provide decent service. HA!


At 11:30 PM on July 7 in the cab going home, I called said number. The woman said the bag was on a plane flying to Washington, DC.

On July 8, the bag was still in Bejing. It then went MIA for a few days.


On the afternoon of July 10, the bag was reported to be at DCA in Washington. It was to be delivered to my house within hours.

On July 11, the bag was reportedly on a flight to Washington IAD. And as there are no flights from IAD to DCA (given that the two airports are a mere 20 miles apart), it was apparent the bag was never at DCA the day before....nor, for that matter on July 5 or 6.


On the morning of July 12, the bag was reported at Dulles.

4:00 PM,  July 12: Home Sweet Home.

Now, if only I were a singer, I could actually make lemonade out of this lemon, like this guy did. Granted, my guitar wasn't broken (although I am sure it would have been if I have one in the suitcase), but my story is certainly worthy of a country song. If any songwriters would like to tackle it with me, I'm up for the ride.

Nine Things I Learned During My Non-Trip to China and Russia

Call this column Birthday Therapy. I was supposed to be somewhere in Mongolia on this special day aboard the Trans-Siberian Express. However, a mystery malady caused me to cancel the trip after the first leg. Said leg landed me in San Francisco, where I was stuck for three days, hoping to feel better so that I could travel over the Pacific. Alas, I ended up back in Washington, DC, where I am currently on hold with United Baggage Claim (see below) as I write this.



1. First, not a lesson learned, but one reinforced. When traveling, always fill a carry-on bag with necessary toiletries, medications, and clean undies. My fabulous new collapsible carry-on from Biaggi was packed with enough stuff to get me through three days in San Francisco without need to repeat outfits nor undergarments.

(One aside on underwear--just before leaving, I got a press release from Travel Guard with ten packing tips. One was: Bring extra underwear and throw it away along the way so you will have more space in your luggage for things you buy. I've seen this tip before and it always make me chuckle. Because, seriously, unless you are packing elephant-sized granny pants in your trunk (note pun, please), I don't see how throwing out underwear gives anyone extra room. Butt I digress).

2. Despite the fact that airlines say bags do not fly on overseas flights unless matched to on-board passengers, the experience of my luggage suggests otherwise. My duffle spent four lovely nights in the Beijing Airport, without a visa and without a matching passenger.

3. If you want a ticket agent instead of a disembodied voice on the United Help Line, say "agent" when first prompted to "press 1 for this, press 2 for that." The voice will then say, "I think you want an agent, but first, let me see if I can help you." Then, the voice starts the "press 1" routine again. At that point, repeat "agent"  and you will be connected to a real person--or at least you will be put on hold to speak to a real person.


4. While it is not any faster, I was told by an in-the-know United baggage representative (I have met many along this journey) that if you call (281) 821-3526, you will be connected to the Houston Help Desk, versus being routed to an outsourced aid line.


5. United charges $200 to reinstate frequent flyer mileage (I had booked my Moscow to DC return flight via MileagePlus). Boo.

6. Health care is better in San Francisco than it is in Washington, DC.

7. Although www.agoda.com is owned by Priceline, it seems to have more flexible refund policies.

8. It pays to increase your word power. While updating those involved with this trip about my daily status, at one point I noted that "the odds of traveling to China this afternoon are at 5%. But if you see pigs or vacas/cows in the sky around noon-time, I am likely China-bound." This riff on "when pigs fly" left me wondering--what do they call that kind of phrase?  It's an adynaton, a phrase about which I will be writing further soon (now that I have time on my hands).  

The definition: Hyberbole so great as to be an impossibility. 
Other examples--
In Italian, it's Quando gli asini voleranno (when donkeys fly) 
In Spanish, it's Quando las vacas vuelen (when the cows fly) 
In Chinese (sigh), they use "除非太陽打西邊出來" (when the sun rises in the west) and
In Russian, (sigh again), it's когда рак на горе свистнет (when the crawfish whistles on the mountain). 

None of the above occurred. I am now back home in Washington, DC, which I'd only prefer to China/Russia quando as galinhas tiverem dentes.


9. ?


I welcome your suggestions for filling out #9. 

Don't Take Freedom for Granted

This article, which appeared in Julie van de Zande's A Broader Life last month, seems particularly appropriate to re-post on Independence Day. 



Life Learned Abroad Interview: Laura Powell

What is the most valuable life lesson you’ve 
learned traveling or living abroad?  

Laura: The most profound experience I have had while traveling took place 27 years ago. During winter break from my graduate school studies in England, a friend and I decided to head to West Germany. The itinerary included a visit to West Berlin, physically located in East Germany.

The train ride from West to East was a precursor of things to come. When we crossed the border, armed guards came through the train, overturning seats and diligently checking passports. Outside, the scenery changed from modern landscapes to barren land.

Upon arriving in West Berlin late on a misty, chilly night (a scene somewhat reminiscent of an old Cold War spy novel), my friend and I, as I remember it, walked over to look at the Berlin Wall. The site was a shock. The graffiti-splattered Wall on the West German side (designed, I learned later, to keep the West Germans in as opposed to keeping the East Germans out) served as a stark personification (if an object can be personified) of the proverbial Iron Curtain.

Between the sight of the Wall, images of American military vehicles rolling down the streets of West Berlin, and the “You are Leaving the American/French/British Sector” signs, I was creeped out, for lack of a better term.

But what really sealed my unease was an excursion over to East Berlin–my first journey into a Communist land.

Images: The eastern part of the Wall (there were actually two walls between the two cities–divided by a mined No Man’s Land) unmarked by graffiti, but topped with barbed wire and overseen by guard towers. The contrast in the Christmas Markets between East and West–the West’s rampant with consumerism; the East’s marked (so to speak) by long lines of shabbily-dressed locals waiting desperately to buy a pair of gloves, some socks, or other basic necessities. The difficulty of spending the 25 marks we were forced to exchange upon going into East Berlin. The long waits in the passport lines at the border.

From all of this, the life lesson–don’t take freedom for granted. Seeing a Wall separating people; keeping people from moving freely–for the first time, it struck me how lucky I was to be an American. And, to this day, that image informs my political view and perhaps my career, which is based on being able to travel freely anywhere in the world.

The side lesson: Even though the Christmas Markets in West Berlin were vibrant and colorful, while the ones in the East were grey and depressing, I was, nonetheless, somewhat disturbed by the crass consumerism in the West. Perhaps it was the stark contrast between two places just miles from each other in distance, but world’s apart in terms of philosophy and lifestyle. But it did strike me, at that time, that the Western focus on consumption was a bit vulgar and empty.

Laura Lands in an Airline Magazine

That's quite a feat, no?

Please enjoy my first story for Emirates OpenSkies Magazine. The nine-page spread on Washington, DC starts on page 102. Let me know what you think. Personally, I love the illustrations that accompany the piece.

Novel Non-Stops

My first travel column for The Georgetowner.
The bi-weekly glossy is aimed at Washington, DC's first-class travelers.
Here's a brief peek, but click on the link above for the full skinny.
-------------------------
Washington jet-setters now have a full slate of exciting new options for non-stop travel out of the DC area. Several international carriers have chosen 2012 as their year to get acquainted with Washingtonians, while some of the old standbys are adding new destinations--international and domestic--to their schedules.

If you fly out of Dulles, there might be a fjord in your future. That’s because Icelandair is back in the Washington region after a fjour-year absence. This time, instead of flying out of BWI, it’s flying out of Dulles. During the summer, Icelandair has six flights a week to Reykjavik. This is an airline known for offering long-weekend deals (the flight is less than six hours), so keep an eye on its website, particularly during non-peak travel months.

Good news for United MileagePlus members, who can rack up plenty of points on the airline’s three international routes introduced this spring.  United Airlines now flies a daily non-stop to Dublin, Ireland, to Manchester, England and to Doha, Qatar.

If you have a hankering for seven-star hotels and a yen to see the tallest  building in the world, enjoy a far-flung exotic adventure via Emirates.The highly-rated Middle Eastern carrier inaugurates its daily non-stop service from Dulles to Dubai on September 12. Book business class before July 5 and save $1000. 

If you feel like a shorter hop, Porter Airlines may be just the ticket. This top-rated Canadian carrier started flying between Dulles and Toronto City Airport in April. There are now four flights each way each day. What passengers get for their money--perks such as access to premium passenger lounges, and free wine, beer, and snacks on board.

Heading south of the border, AeroMexico launched daily non-stops from Dulles to Mexico City in May.  If you want to get a bit of that Latin flavor without leaving U.S. territory, opt for JetBlue’s new non-stop service from Reagan National (DCA) to San Juan, Puerto Rico.  Of course, you’ll have to wait until August 23 to head to the islands.

DCA to San Juan? What gives, you say? The FAA’s new Modernization and Reform Act, signed on Valentine’s Day, grants slots for eight new non-stops between DCA and destinations beyond the airport’s normal 1,250-mile perimeter.   In particular, that’s a sweetheart deal for Washingtonians looking to travel to California. There are several new non-stops to the West Coast, including a daily American flight to Los Angeles and a daily United flight to San Francisco.  US Airways starts flying non-stop to San Diego in July and Virgin America wings its way to SFO on August 14.

Meantime, if you want to wander up the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, Condor Airlines is scheduled to begin twice-weekly non-stop service between BWI and Frankfurt, Germany next month. Condor tends to offer seats at lower fares than its Lufthansa counterpart, so if you are heading to Germany, you’ll get high marks for comparing prices.

9 Things I Learned at the Fancy Food Show

After attending the 58th Summer Fancy Food Show in Washington, DC, I came away with the following tidbits.

1. If you like cheese and olives, you'll get your fill at the Fancy Food Show. There are thousands of food manufacturers, countries, and companies displaying their wares and means. And by my very unofficial count, at least 20% of them are serving up samples of cheese and olives.

2. The top three growth areas in terms of sales are shelf-stable functional beverages (yummo); yogurt and kefir; and energy bars.

3. In 2011, Kosher was the leading new product claim. 446 Kosher products were introduced last year, beating #2, All Natural (267), by a landslide. L'Chayim.

4. Gluten-free is the hottest thing since sliced bread. (Now, if they would only make a good gluten-free sliced bread). Everyone is coming out with gluten-free specialty foods. In fact, a poll by the National Association for the Specialty Food Trade (NASFT), shows that 35% of manufacturers are looking to add the GF label to their lines this year. That's the good news. But what bothers me, as a gluten-free girl of 15 years standing, is that now everybody and their cousin is shouting GLUTEN-FREE to their packaging. Yogurts are trying to milk the gluten-free trend. Potato chips are trying to add to their appeel (sic) by toting GF. And it's a pita that hummus is doing it, too. Because all of these products, for the most part, are gluten-free, anyway. 



5. Caffeinated water makes sense. After talking to the lovely people at Avitae, I am fully on board with the idea of having such a beverage on airplanes. Hear me out. The biggest problem during a long-distance flight (aside from a potentially smelly seatmate) is dehydration. Yet, what do people tend to drink (non-alcoholically) during long-distance flights? Coffee and Coke. Both are diuretics. But they do wake you up. So, you arrive at your destination wide-eyed, albeit dehydrated. But caffeinated water can help you arrive both wide-eyed and wet. What's not to like?

6. My favorite story from the Fancy Food Show is the tale of Tanka Bar. The company is owned and run by members of the Oglala Lakota from the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota. The innovative energy bar meshes tribal ancestral knowledge of the life-giving qualities of native foods with today's quest for healthy "snack" foods. Made with prairie-fed buffalo, cranberries, and no artificial anything (and they are gluten-free, too), Tanka Bar seems the ideal protein product for keeping up endurance on the road. I can't wait to take a pack along on my lengthy train journey through Siberia.

7. You can now buy canned wine and boxed water.

8. The largest olive oil producers in the world are Spain, Italy and Greece. Hopefully, the golden nectar, in particular, can grease the wheels of the sagging Greek economy. 

9. Expect to see more products packed with fiber and probiotics.

Laura's Getting Around

Happy to report two new exciting, upscale outlets. I have just been named travel editor of The Georgetowner, a bi-monthly publication distributed to Washington, DC's chi-chi and power players. Speaking of whom, my power profile on Washington appears in next month's Open Skies Magazine,
which can be found on board Emirates Airlines. 

USA Today Asks Me To Write About DC 's Best Beach

That's right. Following on the heels of last year's Just for Summer: 51 Great ....series, where USA Today asked me to write about the best place to spot wildlife in the nation's capital*, I received a new challenge for 2012. "Hey, Laura," said my editor at USA Today, "this year, our topic is 51 great beaches. You are our DC expert. You can't do anything in Maryland, nor Virginia. Your mission is to find a beach within the confines of the 68.3 square miles of Washington, DC." Please note that said editor said this with a straight face as she sat in USA Today HQ in McLean, VA, just minutes from the District border.

At any rate, here is the result.

District of Columbia 

Let's face facts: Washington, D.C., doesn't have a beach. But the city is finally capitalizing on its Rodney Dangerfield of rivers, the Anacostia. Yards Park, just a mile and a half from the U.S. Capitol, has a kid-friendly fountain and wading pool, open spaces and an old-fashioned boardwalk. Festivals and Friday night concerts bring crowds out in force. Early mornings are perfect for strolling on the quiet waterfront, watching rowers on the river or relaxing in wooden chaise-lounge chairs. yardspark.org

— Recommended by Laura Powell, travel journalist based in Washington, D.C.

*Best wildlife: No, I did not go with the obvious--which would have been the National Zoo. Nor did I opt for the snarky--which would have been the floor of the House of Representatives. Instead, my pick was Theodore Roosevelt Island.

Pun Linguistics Part II: Nine Things I Learned at The O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships

1. The Definition of a Pun 
A pun is the humorous use of a word or words in such a way as to suggest different meanings or applications, or words that have the same or nearly the same sounds, but with different meanings.

2. What is Not a Pun
If you are talking about railroads, “you’re off track” does not give berth to a pun. Why? Because track in the cliché refers to a railroad track. The usage of the word must differ from its original meaning.

3. A Pun Can Include a Set-Up 
To wit, when paired off in Punslingers with the topic of Politics, No Names (seemingly a good category for me until you discover my opponent grew up in DC as part of a politically-connected family and currently serves as a political pundit for a major DC media outlet), I was tapped out after about a dozen rounds. My tendency was to play off specific words/phrases--we’re setting a president here/Do you C-N-N anyone out there? (a holla to my alma mater). On the other hand, my oppunent used a stalling technique to develop a story that led up to a pun-chline.

Had I employed this technique, I might have issued the following in order to stay in the game:
--Remember that character from Cheers who used to sit on his barstool drinking beer all day? Well, I suppose if they call Boston the Red Sox Nation, they could call Cheers the nomination.
BTW, I was DQ’ed when I mentioned that my 80-year-old boyfriend had electoral dysfunction because electoral had already been exercised. Rather anti-climatic.

4. Let’s Keep It Clean, People 
Use of coy double entendres is fine (as in electoral dysfunction above). But anything too blatant is met with derision at the Pun-Off, which, after all, is a family affair.

5. There's No Apologizing in Punditry
In the words of Gary Hallock, punmeister extraordinaire and emcee of the Pun-Off, a lovely pun means never having to say you’re sorry. If you have to apologize for a pun, it probably isn’t worthy. Hallock notes, “When someone adds ‘no pun intended‘ to a quip, I say, ‘none taken’ because it couldn’t have been much of a pun in the first place."

6. Pacing is Primary 
After reading my punditry on the written page after the fact, one judge, while noting its brilliance (!), suggested I simply had too many puns (63) in a 120-secord monologue. As a result, there was no time for the pungent, pregnant pause in the spoken version, quite necessary for a complex pun to sink in.

7. Stick to the Basics
It helps to pun in recognizable English. Riffs on familiar references--like States or Cheese --won the day. My piece was on Russia, or more specifically, the Soviet Union and its empire. Therefore, some puns (Soyuz, Mir-ly) may have been unrecognized or misunderstood, while other wordplay (he was good at his korbut a little off balance, a Sista‘ Solzhenitzyn moment) may have been a bit dated.

8. Brilliant Writing Doesn't Always Translate to Oral Pun Linguistics
Written punditry is different from oral punditry. He wouldn’t steppe up to the plate, when we can stair at it on the page, clearly shows punditry on the Russian theme. However, spoken, it just sounds like step. Same goes for finnished.  And Y’altallinn you, which cleverly combines Yalta and Tallinn in one fine pun, doesn’t pact the same punch in spoken English.

9. Sometimes you can be too punny for your own good.

Don't Mess With Texas

Coincidentally, this Hotel F and B article about messin' with Texas breakfast comes out during the same weekend I am competing in the National Pun-Off in Austin.