China’s Mandarins Shanghai The Pun

I’m appalled. China has banned puns. This is a crying shang. It has me seeing red. And almost as offensive is that, in reporting this news, many writers (clearly those not practiced at the fine art) have dubbed punning “the lowest form of humor.” 
Foo-ey, I say.

双关语

The Forbidden City

Those critics are simply noodles. Nonetheless, today I am opting to focus my ire on the Chinese mandarins who made the pun a forbidden ditty. Deng it, how could 1.357 billion people not like puns? Well, it turns out they do, and that has created a sticky pun problem.

Puns are actually considered an important feature of Chinese culture. Puns are ubiquitous in Chinese, because the language is not wonton for homophones. It’s all in the way the Chinese write words from characters. Substituting one character for another can alter the meaning of a phrase while hardly changing the sound.

IMO, China's Next Generation
is being pun-ished by this new ruling

At any rate, China’s State Administration for Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television issued an order in November saying wordplay has no place in broadcasting and advertising.  While spearing a chopstick through the heart of punditry, the order conceded that “idioms are one of the great features of the Chinese language and contain profound cultural heritage and historical resources and great aesthetic, ideological and moral values.” Nonetheless, the statement says improper exploitation of words may lead to cultural and linguistic chaos. and could harm the nation’s young people. Certainly, the government doesn't want to have a han in that happening.

Here’s my slant. Clearly, the Chinese government is not panda’ing to its pun-crazed public here. In fact, yuan-a bet that this great wall has been erected as a form of censorship? Indeed, puns and wordplay are just one mao way the Chinese work around censorship in the Internet age. The Chinese use puns and wordplay to duck censorship software, designed to catch and embargo obscene or politically sensitive words. So, an entirely new lexicon of puns has been developed for online discussion of sensitive topics. As a result, the amount of online punning is one way to gauge the tempura-ture of public opinion.

I am just glad I do not have to wok a mile in the shoes of a Chinese writer. For if I were not able to employ the venerable pun, I might have to be peking into another line of work.

But No Puns Allowed

On Wisconsin, Art and Punditry

If you are looking to become a big cheese in the art world, why not head to Wisconsin? All around the southeastern part of the Dairy State, you can find places where you can imbibe while unleashing your inner Renoir. And guess what? It doesn't cost a lot of monet. Mind you, the medium is not klee, but rather paint. 

Art studios and bars alike are trying to make painting easel by combining spirits and paintbrushes. For example, Milwaukee's Splash Studio is a painting bar catering to artists of all levels. Try a small canvas for a quick 30-minute “mini painting” session or take a full-on class. If you don't feel like picking up a paintbrush, just pick up a pint and work on your pick-up lines aimed at the aspiring artists. Just make it better than, "Hello, Dali.

Courtesy Arte Wine and Painting Studio

At the Arte Wine and Painting Studio in Wauwatosa and Delafield, you don't have to be a stella artist to join the party.There are nightly classes, with painting by numbers instruction provided by pros.  There are also paint tables where studio servers can assist with both your artwork and the bar order. Try one of the art-inspired cocktails.

The Green Room Lounge in DePere is the site of Pass the Paint/Pass the Wine. The event takes place the second and fourth Sundays of every month. For $20, you’ll be supplied with a canvas, paint, brushes and a bottomless glass of wine (not sure what they give you to munch on).  However, this isn't your average art bar experience (if there is such a thing). Think musical chairs meets speed dating (if your date was a canvas). Participants paint for 15 minutes. Then, just when they are running out of de-gas in DePere, they switch canvases with someone else and so on and so on. 

The Paint Nite Events website canvases other options throughout southeastern Wisconsin. You can also make lautrec over to www.artsboard.wisconsin.gov. The moral of the story--when in the Dairy State, if you keep your ear to the ground, you might become the next Vincent Van Gouda.
 

9 More Gnomes About Travel Writing

Following up on the popular 9 Gnomes About Travel Writing, I present another elfin nonet of malapropisms that leave me grouchy.

www.photigy.com

1. The Bordeaux does not compliment the filet mignon, unless it is able to magically speak. Wine complements an entree by supplementing it or making it whole. It does not tell the steak what a fine piece of meat it is (unless it is rude wine).

2. If you want to insure a good trip, buy TravelGuard. However, if you want to ensure a good trip, do your research in advance and stay at nice hotels. Cozying up in a comfy bed can assure most people that a good night of sleep is in store..

3. Despite what Lady Gaga and many other song lyricists write, nothing is between you and I. It’s between you and me. Me is an object pronoun; I is a subject pronoun. Between is a preposition. Prepositions take the object pronoun. Please don’t keep this between you and me.

4. Did I illicit a response from you on the last item? I should hope not. Perhaps I elicited a reaction, though. Illicit means outside the law. Elicit is to draw forth.or to evoke.

State images courtesy
www.worldatlas.com

5. Texas is not larger then Delaware. It is, however, larger than Delaware. Then is an adverb signifying time (First, I'll visit Texas. Then, I'll go to Delaware). Than is a comparative word.

6. The phrase “with all due respect” is usually spoken, not written. But whenever it is used, there’s most likely a heavy undertone of sarcasm. If you have to lead off a sentence with the phrase, it likely signifies an absolute lack of respect for the principle under discussion.

7. Or perhaps you have no due respect for the principal under discussion, if you are talking about the dude who has establishing the principles for your high school’s code of conduct.

8. Do your eyes literally pop out of your head when you hear this term misused? I should hope not. I am not blind to the fact that people at times employ literally in place of figuratively for emphasis or comic effect (as opposed to comic affect, which is incorrect and the starting point for our next 9 Gnomes discussion). This article in the Washington Post figuratively hits the nail on the head. It might literally hit the nail on the head if you pasted it on a hammer before hitting the head of a nail.

9. A unicorn is not kind of unique or rather unique or even uniquely unique. If something is unique, it is one-of-a-kind. No qualifier is necessary.

Please tell me about your most irksome gnomes in the comments section.

Manic Punday: A Night at the Improv II--The Video

For those hankering to see my stand-up performance, here it is on YouTube.

Enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments section.

Manic Punday or A Night at The Improv

I made my stand-up debut at The Improv in Washington, DC last week. Here's an excerpt from the routine, minus the ad libs. Video will be posted within a week.

There are two things you should know about me. One, I’m a travel writer and two, I have a pun fetish. I will consider this night a raging success even if I don’t get a single laugh....as long as I hear a lot of moaning and groaning. I love getting moans and groans while indulging fetishes.

Actually, last year, these two things came together when I did a story on the National Pun Festival in Austin. As part of the deal, I performed a two-minute riff complete puns about Russia and the Soviet Union. I PUTIN a good enough routine to finish Top 10. But my performance needed work. So, I decided to go to comedy school.

Anyway, people are fascinated by the fact that I am a travel writer. Everyone thinks I lead such a glamorous life....that I jet set around the world with a man in every port and a personal porter to carry my Louis Vuitton luggage. And sometimes, I do live the lifestyle of the rich and famous. But the fact is I am poor and unknown, and you’ll usually find me schlepping my own bags.

But the stereotype persists. And I blame those middle-aged white women who write those memoirs--you know the formula-- woman has a mid-life crisis, she throws caution to the wind and heads abroad. She goes eating, loving and preying on unsuspecting men around the world. She goes to Italy and buys a house under the Tuscan sun. And it goes without fail that a hunky man with washboard abs is involved, they live happily ever after, the end.

My stories don’t work that way, people. I go to Italy--my book title is Under the Tuscan Sunstroke.

I could write 50 Shades of Earl Grey, but that would be ..

a tease.

The chronicle of my travels to the developing world would inevitably be dubbed Bridget Jones' Diarrhea. Yeah, I think that would be pretty explosive.

But I won’t run on about that.

The point is, everyone says I should write a book. But my adventures really don’t have a common theme. It would be great if I were one of those women who have sex around the world.

Then, I could dub my book, The Vagina Travelogues. But I won’t beat around the bush. When it comes to what’s going on down here, I just don’t have loose lips.

Then there are those intrepid travel writers who climb Kilimanjaro or trek across Antarctica. That's not my thing. I mean, if I were to write a book about my exploits, it would have to called Adventure Travel for Weenies.

That said, I am not a total wimp. I traveled the world alone. I ridden horses in Montana; elephants in Thailand and camels in the Outback of Australia. I guess you can say I’ve experienced camel tow down under. One more--due to the heat, my camel and I had to stop for a Blizzard at the Dromedary Queen.

Maybe instead of writing a book, I should put together a mix tape of my travels.

This is the part where I do an audience sing-along. Fortunately, the audience came through.
Then I do a few more Russian puns and it's "thank you and good nyet."

.

Manic Punday: Travel Au Naturel

What nationality is most likely to be naked on a beach? Expedia’s Flip Flop Report provides the naked truth. Germans top the list. Given my experiences at naked German spas, this comes as no surprise to me.

The Flip Flop Report resulted from a poll of 8,000 beach-goers worldwide. While topics ranged from safety concerns to favorite beach activity, I was most interested in the skinny on skinny dipping. The general findings--Europeans are most likely to bare it all, while Americans and Asians are more modest. In studying the results, it does seem that this "worldwide" poll skips South America. If that's the case, the omission of Brazilians may leave the results out of wax.

Archive Photo from the 1970s
 DDR Museum, Berlin

Nonetheless, let's dive into the numbers. Germans are the most brazen when it comes to baring it all.. Nearly one-fifth of all Germans polled report having gone Full Monty on the beach. While nearly half of the Americans surveyed say they feel either comfortable or neutral about beach nudity, the fact is, in real life, they are prudes. Only five percent of American beach-goers report letting it all hang out while hanging five or indulging in other water play. Meanwhile, only eight percent have ever sunbathed topless.

And who is most likely to go topless? Although the survey doesn’t make this clear, I assume this question was asked only of females. The survey says 40% of Danes are happy to go without tops or Danish pasties.  One-third of Italian women feel comfortable saying “arrivederci” to their bra*, while 31% of Norwegian women are happy to titillate.

While 73% of French beach-goers report being somewhat or very comfortable with topless beaches, they are among the least likely Europeans to go au naturel. Forty-two percent say they would never go out without a maillot or Speedo.

Ah, the Speedo. Let me be brief  No, no and NO. But 65% of those polled disagree with me. The French are most approving, with nine out of 10 saying oui oui to the wee wee frock. Italians are equally meatballs about the saucy suits**. Among those most disapproving of the Speedo (aside from me) are the Japanese and the Norwegians. According to the poll, American beach-goers are 50-50 when it comes to considering Speedos acceptable beachwear. However, I would deign to say that the pool of actual Speedos wearers in the U.S. of A. contains but a single digit..

*Explanation of double d'entendre: Bra is also a town in Italy, best known as the home of the Slow Food Movement.

**Baggy swim trunks are banned in French public pools as a matter of hygiene. According to a head pool attendant from Paris's 11th arrondissement,. only small, tight trunks (read Speedos) can be worn for swimming. The theory is that loose swimming shorts can collect sand, dust or beg bugs, all of which have the potential to disturb the water quality.. 

The Soundtrack of My Travels

Have you ever had an ear worm? You know the phenomenon. An ear worm is when you can't get a song out of your head. It plays incessantly in there, like a broken record.

I am most often plagued by ear worms when I travel. And it's no surprise.  According to one Dr. Vicky Williamson, a music psychologist at the University of London, ear worms are most likely to develop in moments of stress or at times when your mind has the freedom to wander. Both are common states-of-mind when away from home.

Thus, when I take a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express, I can't get Back in the U.S.S.R. out of my noggin. Every time I go to Phoenix, Arizona (all the way from Tacoma), Steve Miller Band's  Keep on Rockin' Me, Baby keeps knockin' around my head. And don't even get me started on Maria Muldaur's Midnight at the Oasis, which for decades has been triggered in my mind by the sight of camels and/or visits to the Middle East. For years, I thought the lyrics of said song started like this:

Midnight at the Oasis
Take Your Camel to Bed...
And I would sing this aloud in Jordan or Israel and people would look at me funny.  Take your camel to bed?  What kind of freak is this Maria Muldaur? Heck, no wonder they were looking at me funny.  I had to Google the lyrics.

Midnight at the oasis
Send your camel to bed (editor's note--oh). Shadows painting our faces.Traces of romance in our heads.

You don't have to answer. There's no need to speak.  I'll be your belly dancer, prancer And you can be my sheik

[Instrumental Interlude]

I know your Daddy's a sultan, A nomad known to allW. With 50 girls to attend him, they all send him....
Jump at his beck and call

But you won't need no harem, honey
When I'm by your side
And you won't need no camel, no no....When I take you for a ride

Come on, Cactus is our friend. He'll point out the way
Come on, 'til the evenin' ends, 'til the evening ends.

Tsk, tsk--dirty lyrics, Maria Muldaur.

-----------------

Anyway,  according to an article in The Guardian U.K, I did the right thing. I went to Google; I looked up the lyrics: I got closure and washed that ear worm right out of my hair. According to Dr. Ira Hyman, an expert in the study of ear worms (he wanted to be a gynecologist, but he didn't put enough time in the labia), "Choruses tend to get stuck in your head because they are the bit we know best. Because we don't know verses, the song remains unfinished. Unfinished thoughts are more likely to return." Finish the thought and ear worm be gone.

Dr. Hyman, who works at Western Washington University, also suggests we can dig ear worms out of our heads by distracting ourselves. Read a book. Not this one. though. Put together a piece of IKEA furniture. Or bake a cake. Of course, the latter remedy comes with its own ear worm side effects.

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

Would love to know what ear worms enter your head when you are on the go. Please write in.

Just Another Manic Punday: Grey's Anatomy

True story.

I am receiving a 2 1/2-hour massage this weekend, which, parenthetically, is a short rubdown for me.
The therapist is focusing solely on my neck and shoulders. Usually, these body parts are quite resistant to pain. But when she hits a spot that has never been touched before (there's a lot of detailed work in a 2 1/2-hour upper body massage), I squeal in pain. "What muscle is that?" I query as I lay face down in the head cradle. "And what is it connected to?"

She tells me it is the infraspinatus muscle, which is attached to the humerus. I tell her I find nothing humerus about the situation.

Thank you and good night.

It's Just Another Manic Punday

In Great Lakes parlance, I'm not sure if I find this personalized birthday doodle delightfully superior, erie, or simply michigana. Look forward to huron your thoughts.

It's Just Another Manic Punday

Today's word is pajamas. It was requested by Cary Broussard (had to slipper name in). After sleeping on it, I cottoned to the idea of a pajama game. But before I do my jams, have you heard about the guy who sued the sod company boss? The lawyers had to select a lingerie; a flannel of his peers, if you will.  Don’t mean to cause a flap among nutritionists, but I have a hankering for Long Johns Silker’s. I’m done now--off to spend the nightie playing footsie with Dr. Denton. He’s the cat’s pajamas.

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Please serve up your topic requests for next Punday.