Meandering Around Maryland

Here's a copy of my most recent weekend travel supplement for The Washington Post. It appeared in The Washington Post Magazine yesterday. Enjoy.

¿Dónde está Barbie?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am appalled. The Children's Museum of Indianapolis has just announced the results of its "100 Toys That Define Our Childhood" contest. According to the popular vote of the 24,000 responding to the poll, the favorite toy from the past century is one G.I. Joe. G.I. don't think so.

IMHO, there is absolutely no question that Barbie should have been #1. But travesty upon travesty, not only is she not #1...she doesn't even rate a bronze medal. Transformers came in second and LEGO got the bronze spot.
WTF? Who voted in this contest? Not to sound sexist, but it sounds like some boy toys stacked the competition.

But let me get back to a little journalism here. The goal of this poll was to determine, from a list of 100 toys compiled by curators of The Children's Museum's collection, the ten most iconic.  After five weeks of public voting, the list of 100 was narrowed down to the top 20. From said list, the public once again was asked to rank favorites. In the wisdom of these masses, the Top 10 are as follows:

#1  G.I. Joe                           #7 Cabbage Patch Kids      
#2  Transformers                   #8  Crayons
#3  LEGO                             #9  Play-Doh  
 #4  Barbie                            #10 MONOPOLY
#5  View-Master
#6  Bicycles 

Regarding #10, I couldn't be happier, although I do think board games should have been a separate category.
Nevertheless, as a collector of international versions of Monopoly (I have more than three dozen), I'm a big fan of the board...although I do get rather bored when I play the game. By the way, dear reader, the stories behind the collection of those international games--ranging from Australia to Israel (in Hebrew) to Poland (pre-1989) to Tunisia (pre-2000) to Yugoslavia (pre-the break-up) will be detailed in upcoming posts.


The also-rans:

#11 Raggedy Ann
#12 Spirograph
#13 Etch a Sketch 
#14 Little Golden Books
#15 Hot Wheels
#16 Lincoln Logs
#17 Candy Land
#18 Roller Skates
#19 Silly Putty
#20 Mr. Potato Head 
Again, I am disappointed with the low rating for our spudly buddy. I definitely eye him for the Top 10. Yukon be sure I will discuss Mr. P.H. and others in my next post, which will serve up my own Top 10....or maybe my Top 9 given my contrarian nature. Meantime, what were some of your favorite childhood toys? And if there were a separate category for games, which would be on your list? Operation? Masterpiece? Sorry? Please weigh in.

Nine Gnomes About Travel Writing...

...and no, I am not referring to the Travelocity troll. Look it up.

Meantime, a summer of ennui, spent mainly in the confines of swampy Washington, DC, has left me at a loss for words. That is why, dear reader, you note a paucity of posts penned in August. But this week, I have a mission. For I must lecture a group of wannabe travel writers on the ins and outs of the trade. As the class is taking place at the USDA (as in the U.S. Department of Agriculture) grad school, perhaps I should first have the flock read my novella on the Trailing of the Sheep Festival in Idaho. Or perhaps my students will enjoy this homage to the Idaho potato. Or perhaps my students at this point are thinking, "If trips to Idaho are all I can expect from a career in travel writing, why bother?" Now, as anyone who knows me and who knows my inexplicable love for that state knows, I would say that even if trips to Idaho are all you get, some might consider you one lucky spud. But alas, I have taken my eye of the ball....which is not to praise Idaho, but to teach my fledgling scribes something about travel writing. Selfishly, I am also trying to type my way out of a profound case of writer's block.

So, how about a lesson in the Top 9 Travel Writing Taboos? It floats my boat. So, to wit, let's start.

#1: Avoid cliches like the plague. The Danish in Copenhagen isn't the best thing since sliced bread (since when is sliced bread so great, anyway?) Since when did you actually feel like a kid in the candy store, even if you are an art historian and you were hanging at the Louvre (actually, if you were hanging at the Louvre, you might be a masterpiece). And unless you were trying out a carousel, you don't give things a whirl.

#2: Avoid words you never use when talking. I'm talking iconic, quaint, and rustic. 

#3: Okay, just to show that I am not overly persnickety, I'll allow one quaint or iconic per article. But never, ever use luxe or azure. Just don't.

#4: That the grass is green is not newsworthy. That the beach is sandy is not newsworthy. Don't include useless and/or redundant adjectives. Keep it pithy, people.

#5: Can a city boast? Apparently, it can, as "Chicago boasts the best deep-dish pizza in the world" and "Honolulu boasts grand luxe hotels, sandy beaches, and azure skies."  But IMHO, a place cannot boast.

#6: Is Albania the next Italy? I don't think so. But some travel writers do. "The next..." is not merely cliched writing; it is also somewhat pejorative if you think about it (i.e.--the next best thing to sliced bread....but it ain't no slice of bread).

#7: Don't trash the locals or local customs just for the heck of it. If you do, as in this piece I did for National Geographic Traveler on trash in Albania (seriously), provide context and balance.

#8: Maybe it's me, because I simply abhor chick-lit. But articles about your journey of self-discovery are usually a yawn, even to your closest friends. Sure, an Elizabeth Gilbert or a Frances Mayes may hit the jackpot with prosaic poppycock. But my best advice is to circumvent this form of literary litany.
An aside--why is it that 99 out of 100 of these self-confessional, self-delusional pieces are written by women?

#9: Never, never, never use the term "something for everyone" in your writing. It's lazy, it's annoying (to me, anyway) and it's simply not true. Don't you be telling me Des Moines has something for everyone. For example, if you are a surfer, where's the beach? New York City doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are a climber, try finding a mountain to scale in Manhattan (skyscrapers don't count). Heck, even Sydney, the best city in the world (again, IMHO), doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are an astronomer, you can't see the Big Dipper and vast parts of Ursa Major in the Australian night sky.
But you can pet a koala.

Which brings me to one more somewhat non-related point. You can pet a koala, but you can't pet a koala bear. Koalas are marsupials, not bears. Put that in your pouch and ponder. Oh, one more point--if you do want to pet a koala, don't do so by awakening it from a eucalyptus-induced sloom. I can tell you from experience...not a good idea. They are vicious, vicious I tell you. But that's a story for another post.

Of Country, Crabs and Cars

Details for those of you who watched my appearance on NewsChannel 8 about nearby getaways.



Country
Goodstone Inn, Middleburg, Virginia:  This luxurious country inn in the heart of Virginia's wine and hunt country is pricey (rooms range from $300'ish to $800 a night). Still, it's the perfect place (if your pocketbook acquiesces) to eat up Farm-to-Fork, a Loudoun County celebration of locally-sourced food and fine wine.
Goodstone Celebrates Farm-to-Fork Loudoun   July 25-August 5
10% off rack rates/one night; 15% off rack/two nights, plus full country breakfast each morning, $25 gift card for the restaurant, and other value-added goodies.

The Inn at Perry Cabin, St. Michaels, Maryland: This Eastern Shore favorite offers 40% off a third night through August 30.

Crabs
Feeling crabby? The Hyatt Regency Chesapeake Bay Resort can cure what ails you. During the luxury property's Third Annual Crab Week, running from August 17-31, guests can learn how to catch and prep crabs; how to eat crab; and how to race a crab. Additional activities include local craft beer tastings, crab-inspired cookie decorating, and the crab de grace--a crab cake eating contest.

What's more, with the Hyatt Free Time package, guests who stay two nights get a third night free. Just mention offer code FRTIME when reserving a room. So, don't be a hermit and come to Cambridge to celebrate Maryland's state crustacean.

Cars
If you prefer car racing to crab racing, wait until Labor Day weekend and drive yourself to Baltimore. The Second Annual Grand Prix of Baltimore zooms through the streets of the city and the Inner Harbor from August 31-September 2. Hotels on the Inner Harbor have the inside track for auto aficionados. The Hyatt Regency Baltimore; The Marriott Inner Harbor at Camden Yards, and the Sheraton Inner Harbor (the official hotel of the Baltimore Grand Prix) are all offering packages including tickets for the race and rooms with a view.

God Bless Bieber, God Save the Queen, and God Knows What Else is in SkyMall

This post was originally conceived as a piece about helpful items to bring on a two-week TransSiberian Express adventure. However, a change of itinerary left me merely armchairing SkyMall on a plane rather than giving berth to an article on train travel.

Having never read SkyMall cover to cover, I took the opportunity to do so on a flight from Washington, DC to San Francisco. Below are some of the items that intrigued me, amused me, or otherwise unhinged me.

Let’s start with the erudite. I never mind a little in-flight education, unless it comes via a boring seatmate. The best way to learn and to shut out said space interloper at the same time is to throw on some earphones and listen to your lovely Complete Works of Beethoven, only $169.00 on SkyMall.  Or opt to learn a language via Rosetta Stone. Courses cost between $179.99 and $499.99 and they include an app for that.

All images from SkyMall Catalog

If your body is aching in flight, as mine was, the appeal of the SomaWave Helmut ($79.99, batteries not included) beckons. Sure, you’ll look like a space alien or an escapee from an insane asylum as you don the metal cap.  But the catalog copy insists it’s “like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp“ and  its "euphoria-inducing waves may produce sleep or a trance-like state of consciousness."  If it sounds too good to be true, note that the product reviews tell potential purchasers to wave bye-bye to this flight of fancy.

A little less high-tech is the ReLeaf Neck Nest ($19.99). You’ll look like a stylin’ Catholic priest wearing a black dickey highlighted with royal blue. Unlike U-shaped pillows that plop your head forward, this clerical collar keeps you on the straight and narrow. And you can fold it up and throw it in your carry-on.

Now, if a long plane flight has your spirits down, SkyMall believes there might be some magic in star power. Take, for example, Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrushes. You have two choices. One plays Baby and (appropriately) U Smile, while the other plays Somebody to Love and Love Me. Each tune lasts two minutes, which is optimal brushing time, according to nine out of ten Canadian dentists. Vibrating brushes range in price from $14.99 to $27.99, although you can also buy a mute manual Bieber brush for the bargain bounty of $2.99. And just in time for food stuck between teeth--mint-flavor Bieber floss ($2.99).
Loony.

For those with a little more class, how about a Diamond Jubilee Solar-Powered Queen? A solar battery in her purse ensures that familar steady steady wave ($21.95). If you like, you can accessorize the monarch with a solar-powered corgi ($14.95), who will nod his head happily. Prince Philip not included. 

Daily Suitcase Goes on a Week-Long Adventure

Literally. My suitcase has, in the past week, been spotted around the world. At times, it has been seen at two different places at the same time. I either have a magical suitcase or one that is experiencing binary fission.

To recap my worldly bag's itinerary:

On July 4, I flew from Washington National (DCA) to San Francisco (SFO). I was supposed to travel on to Beijing (PEK, BTW), but fell ill on the plane (long story). As soon as I disembarked, I, the ever responsible traveler, alerted the gate agent of my condition and he said the bag would be pulled from the Beijing flight.

After taking an hour to schlep over to the SFO Travel Clinic, which was closed for the holiday, I wandered down to United Baggage Claim's "Help" Desk. One agent was manning the desk. The line had about four people ahead of me. Twenty minutes later, the line was down to one person in front of me. Unfortunately, that person shanghai'ed the staffer and took her away for 40 minutes. No replacement came as the line behind me grew steadily. Finally, after an hour, I was attended to, and told my bag was somewhere at SFO.

I was at the airport another hour (I arrived at 11:00; my flight to Beijing was to leave at noon; it was now 2:00). I went back to the service desk, where a manager insisted the bag was in the airport and in fact, on its way to the service desk at that very moment. Half an hour later, it still didn't arrive, so I left with a friend who rescued me from the airport.

On the morning of July 5,  I called United Baggage Claim and learned the bag was in Beijing. How it got to Beijing, unless it was never pulled from the noon flight the day before, is a mystery (and remember, it was reportedly in San Francisco when the flight to Beijing took off). I requested its return to San Francisco.

On the morning of July 6, the bag was still in Beijing. At that point, with a glimmer of hope that I might actually get to Beijing, I asked United to hold the bag in China until further notice.

On the evening of July 6, pretty sure I would not be flying to China, I called again. Agents told me the bag was last reported in Washington, DC at DCA on July 5. Imagine my confusion.

On the morning of July 7, definite I would not fly to China, I checked on the bag and it was still said to be somewhere in Washington, DC. This, of course, didn't make sense because it had been reported both in San Francisco and Beijing since July 5.


As my plane landed at Washington Dulles (IAD) at 10:30 PM on July 7, I figured that I might as well check at United Baggage Claim at the airport since I was there (feeling oh-so-lovely, BTW). The guy there said the bag was in Beijing. He gave me a non-toll-free number for United Help in Houston, saying the people staffing that number were more likely to provide decent service. HA!


At 11:30 PM on July 7 in the cab going home, I called said number. The woman said the bag was on a plane flying to Washington, DC.

On July 8, the bag was still in Bejing. It then went MIA for a few days.


On the afternoon of July 10, the bag was reported to be at DCA in Washington. It was to be delivered to my house within hours.

On July 11, the bag was reportedly on a flight to Washington IAD. And as there are no flights from IAD to DCA (given that the two airports are a mere 20 miles apart), it was apparent the bag was never at DCA the day before....nor, for that matter on July 5 or 6.


On the morning of July 12, the bag was reported at Dulles.

4:00 PM,  July 12: Home Sweet Home.

Now, if only I were a singer, I could actually make lemonade out of this lemon, like this guy did. Granted, my guitar wasn't broken (although I am sure it would have been if I have one in the suitcase), but my story is certainly worthy of a country song. If any songwriters would like to tackle it with me, I'm up for the ride.

Nine Things I Learned During My Non-Trip to China and Russia

Call this column Birthday Therapy. I was supposed to be somewhere in Mongolia on this special day aboard the Trans-Siberian Express. However, a mystery malady caused me to cancel the trip after the first leg. Said leg landed me in San Francisco, where I was stuck for three days, hoping to feel better so that I could travel over the Pacific. Alas, I ended up back in Washington, DC, where I am currently on hold with United Baggage Claim (see below) as I write this.



1. First, not a lesson learned, but one reinforced. When traveling, always fill a carry-on bag with necessary toiletries, medications, and clean undies. My fabulous new collapsible carry-on from Biaggi was packed with enough stuff to get me through three days in San Francisco without need to repeat outfits nor undergarments.

(One aside on underwear--just before leaving, I got a press release from Travel Guard with ten packing tips. One was: Bring extra underwear and throw it away along the way so you will have more space in your luggage for things you buy. I've seen this tip before and it always make me chuckle. Because, seriously, unless you are packing elephant-sized granny pants in your trunk (note pun, please), I don't see how throwing out underwear gives anyone extra room. Butt I digress).

2. Despite the fact that airlines say bags do not fly on overseas flights unless matched to on-board passengers, the experience of my luggage suggests otherwise. My duffle spent four lovely nights in the Beijing Airport, without a visa and without a matching passenger.

3. If you want a ticket agent instead of a disembodied voice on the United Help Line, say "agent" when first prompted to "press 1 for this, press 2 for that." The voice will then say, "I think you want an agent, but first, let me see if I can help you." Then, the voice starts the "press 1" routine again. At that point, repeat "agent"  and you will be connected to a real person--or at least you will be put on hold to speak to a real person.


4. While it is not any faster, I was told by an in-the-know United baggage representative (I have met many along this journey) that if you call (281) 821-3526, you will be connected to the Houston Help Desk, versus being routed to an outsourced aid line.


5. United charges $200 to reinstate frequent flyer mileage (I had booked my Moscow to DC return flight via MileagePlus). Boo.

6. Health care is better in San Francisco than it is in Washington, DC.

7. Although www.agoda.com is owned by Priceline, it seems to have more flexible refund policies.

8. It pays to increase your word power. While updating those involved with this trip about my daily status, at one point I noted that "the odds of traveling to China this afternoon are at 5%. But if you see pigs or vacas/cows in the sky around noon-time, I am likely China-bound." This riff on "when pigs fly" left me wondering--what do they call that kind of phrase?  It's an adynaton, a phrase about which I will be writing further soon (now that I have time on my hands).  

The definition: Hyberbole so great as to be an impossibility. 
Other examples--
In Italian, it's Quando gli asini voleranno (when donkeys fly) 
In Spanish, it's Quando las vacas vuelen (when the cows fly) 
In Chinese (sigh), they use "除非太陽打西邊出來" (when the sun rises in the west) and
In Russian, (sigh again), it's когда рак на горе свистнет (when the crawfish whistles on the mountain). 

None of the above occurred. I am now back home in Washington, DC, which I'd only prefer to China/Russia quando as galinhas tiverem dentes.


9. ?


I welcome your suggestions for filling out #9.