No PANK You

One of the biggest travel trends of 2014 is said to be the rise of the PANK. That’s Professional Aunt No Kids, for those not in the know. The idea is that these single ladies, without a ring on it and with money to spare, spend their extra cash taking their nieces and nephews on vacation. Thus is born a new marketing target for theme parks, dude ranches, cruise ships and other destinations appealing to the family travel set.

Despite the fact that I am, demographically, a PANK, I abhor this term. I put it right up there on the irritating index with Girlfriend Getaways (demeaning) and Stay-cation (an oxymoron). Why am I nonplussed about PANK? Let’s ponder the images conjured by the term. First, one thinks of a professional aunt with no kids as either an aberrant Auntie Mame type or a spinster with a Victorian-era.fashion sense. It doesn’t help that the term PANK sounds so similar to SPANX, a new-age girdle for Gen X’ers. And PANK sounds like pink, a prissy, demure and oft-timid color (although the artist known as Pink might disagree). So, my overall picture of a PANK is a slightly out-of-shape woman wearing pink SPANX. Reading glasses are flung around her breasts via a pearl necklace (no, not that kind of pearl necklace). She also sports a progression of persnickety eccentricities that make her wildly unappealing to the opposite sex.

I  can’t help but wonder why so many of the travel industry’s most annoying terms exist for women only. Mancations never caught on the way Girlfriend Getaways did--and when you see the term in print, it is mostly used in a tongue-in-cheek manner. And you aren’t seeing the introduction of the PUNK--the Professional Uncle No Kids. Maybe because PUNKs don’t run around in SPANX? I don’t know. All I'll say is if you refer to me as a PANK, I’ll SPANK you, no questions asked.

Counting Countries

My first step in Russia

I've been to nine new countries this year. Well, nine if you count a plane touchdown; eight if you include a plane touchdown and a dash through the airport for a connecting flight; or six, if you include actually stepping foot outside the airport.

The mad-dash-through-the-airport countries were Finland and Latvia, while the plane stop was Senegal.

Thus, it looked like my new country total for 2013 was going to be five. The far-flung five--Estonia, Lithuania, Russia, Mongolia, and Namibia. But that doesn't add up, right? The wrinkle is South Africa.

I initially had to separate South Africa from the pack for the following reason. Upon landing in Johannesburg in the evening, I walked about one-fifth of a mile from the arrivals terminal to the Intercontinental Hotel (highly recommended). The upscale property is on airport, but not attached to the airport. So, I stepped foot outside the airport, but it was questionable whether I was actually off airport property. Then next morning, it was off to Namibia.

Thus, I ask you a two-fold question: Can you add a country to your count

A) if you stayed on airport property (airports being somewhat like embassies, IMHO, in carrying something of an international territory status) and

B) you stayed for less than 24 hours?

True, my passport was stamped with a South Africa seal, but still, to me, counting South Africa seemed a bit of a cheat. That's why I was somewhat bothered by my most recent Monopoly purchase.

Let me backtrack. Loyal readers know that I collect Monopoly games from the countries to which I have traveled. But my rule is strict--I have to have traveled to the country in question to buy a game. There are only three exceptions to this rule in my collection--games from Argentina and Japan that were gifts and a game from Tunisia purchased on my one previous visit to Africa. I picked up the French-ified game at a souk in Marrakesh back in 2001. Naturally, I assumed it was Moroccan Monopoly. Alas, when I got home and checked street names, no dice. The streets were in Tunis.

Now, in Namibia, there is no Namibian Monopoly. They play the South African game. So, I did buy that version in a grocery store in Windhoek. But I had mixed feelings. Yes, that was the official Namibian version, but it was South African and I had spent less than 24 hours in South Africa. Was this merely a token purchase? All of the pondering was leaving me feeling emotionally bankrupt.
.

But a missed connection in Johannesburg on the way 
home turned out to be my "Get Out of Jail Free" card. After getting ironed things out at South African Airways customer service, it appeared I would be spending the next 24 hours in Jo'burg. However, as the hotel at which I was booked was actually in the airport, I knew that in order to feel confident about adding South Africa to my list, I had to take a chance and head into the community chest-first the next day.

Indeed, a group of us who missed our connection to DC hired a private van and visited moving sites like Soweto and the Apartheid Museum during our unexpected layover. So, in addition to squeezing lemonade out of lemons, the tour officially permitted meto add South Africa to my country count, which has now surpassed the half-century mark.

What are your rules for including countries in your total? And how many countries have you visited?

The Pink Hippo and the Malakani Nut

As an experienced traveler, I pride myself on avoiding scams. Furthermore, I drive a draconian bargain and, being a Jewish girl, am enamored of a distinguished deal. Thus, in those rare instances when I am ripped off,  the experience just sticks in my craw. In order to protect you, oh unwary consumer, from the scams of Namibia, I present the tale of the pink hippo and the Malakani nut.

After alighting from a tour bus on the outskirts of downtown Swakopmund, I was approached by a friendly local ready to engage in conversation. Not wanting to be a nasty American, I engaged him. He asked my name...very civilized, I thought. But then, he asked how my name was spelled. This should have set off the skepticism trigger. It did not. Before I knew it, the guy was carving my name on a nut. Now, the nut was just not only old nut. It was a Malakani nut, already bearing carvings of local wildlife. I knew that as soon as the Malakani nut was emblazoned with my name, it would be rendered worthless to anyone not named "Laura" (and worthless to anyone whose name is," for that matter). I tried to stop him after the letter "L", but the fix was in. The nut was mine. He asked for 150 Namibian dollars ($15US); I told him, truthfully, that all I had was 50 N$.  Thus, I became the reluctant recipient of a custom-carved Malakani nut, which, unfornutly (sic) I cannot re-gift, as I do not know anyone else named Laura. 

The Malakani nut was bad enough, but the worse was yet to come. Our guide had told us the woeful tale of the poor craft vendors who had been ejected from a prime market spot and were now relegated to an out-of-the-way area. Consider my heartstrings fiddled with. So, over to the market I went, my sympathy evoked and my knowledge of local pricing deficient.

Here's a tip: Before shopping in a street market or a souk, visit local stores to get a sense of what things cost. 

Victor

The vendors were very aggressive...annoyingly so. Usually, I try to avoid such sales tactics, but the fact is, the moment I left one vendor, the next would accost me. So, I let them run on with their spiels, without making a purchase. But finally, a guy named Victor showed me his "hand-made" figures and i espied an adorable pink hippo. Victor picked the hippo up, showing me an underbelly carved with the name "Victor" (perhaps the Malakani nut carver had attacked his bloat of hippos).  At any rate, Victor, seeing my interest, starting the bargaining at 950 N$ ($95) for the palm-sized piece. You gotta hand it to these crafty Namibians; when they go for the rip-off, they go big. 

Fortunately, even with my dearth of knowledge, I knew this seemed excessive. It was also fortunate that I had very little money with me, and what I did have was in small bills. This is another fine tip--when going to a market to bargain, bring small bills and do not carry them on one clump.  When I first bargained down, I told him I would have to go to the ATM if he wanted, say 250 N$. Not wanting to let a sale slip away,  he asked me what I had. I pulled out a 100 N$ and a 50 N$. That was all I had, sans change. He did manage to wangle a little more change out of me, and the pink hippo was mine for $17 US. 

Next, I ventured into town, where I discovered two things. One, these happy hippos were everywhere. This meant that unless Victor was one busy artist, he had not, in fact, done anything to the hippo except impale it with his Malakani carving utensil. But, I noted, hippos of a similar size cost $15-$18 in stores, so I was happy as a hippo...until  I heard from a fellow traveler that she had bought a hippo in the same market for $7. Later, I noticed hippos in stores around the country costing between $8-$10. Even though my hippo was a female, and thus a cow, I had no doubt my deal was bull. 

I grant you, on the scale of international rip-offs, this ranks pretty low on the list. Plus, one cannot feel too bad about overpaying in such cases, as the vendors are most certainly poor and appreciative of every dollar (and every sucker). But still, one hates encouraging sales tactics that rip off the unwary --and wary--tourist alike. But at least no one was hurt in the transaction and I am now the not-so-proud owner of a pink hippo and a Malakani nut.

Here's Something for Everyone

After receiving my 200th press release including the phrase something for everyone...

WHAT'S NEW AND NOTEWORTHY

 AT EL ENCANTO FALL 2013

This Santa Barbara gem offers something for everyone with unique spa treatments,

delicious California-inspired bites, Afternoon Tea and authentic delights throughout

...I felt compelled to put on my crotchety school-marm bonnet with a bee in it and take to writing a stinging and long-overdue blog post about this hackneyed expression.

If you are a regular reader of travel writing, both in the form of journalism and public relations, your mind will simply be boggled by how just many destinations have something for everyone.

For example,

Turkey: Something for everyone   

Headline from the May 3 edition of  www.breakingtravelnews.com

According to the Travel Channel's Traveling Type blog, "whether you’re enjoying the bright lights of the big city or taking a family adventure to the city limits, Las Vegas has something for everyone."

www.wikitravel.org

Visit Baltimore says the city is "a multicultural, family friendly, pet friendly and gay travel friendly destination that offers something for everyone!"  

Of course, Visit Baltimore's mission is to make hyperbolic remarks about the city. The organization is not rare among destination marketing organizations in using this nondescript description, complete with exclamation point!


"Scottsdale offers something for everyone," according to the Fifty-Plus Advocate.

"Orlando, Florida Has Something For Everyone," announces PremierTravelResorts.com. 

Elsewhere in Florida, the traveldudes reported on July 4, 2012 that "Fort Lauderdale offers something for everyone from nature lovers, to shopaholics to beach and sea lovers."

Coney Island Beach
nyc.gov

The July 17 edition of Ideas That Spark reports that the following "five sandy locations--offer something for everyone." Apparently, Cocoa Beach, Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, Coney Island Beach and Old Silver Beach in Mississippi all share this amazing attribute. 

Next, we head north of the border. Have Baggage Will Travel headlines her April 17, 2012 blog post:  Visiting Montreal--Something for Everyone! But then, she cleverly outwits other users of the woebegone expression by noting, "While globetrotting, I’ve heard countless cities described as having something for everyone – which I’ve often found inaccurate. I’m happy to report that Montreal can check off the “something for everyone” box. Aside from the travesty of using something for everyone twice within the lead paragraph, she then offers up proof in pudding form. You can eat poutine and have breakfast in a sugar shack (not necessarily at the same time) in Montreal. Well, I guess that does take care of everyone.

Still, Travel Weekly, the bible of travel industry trade magazines, seems to concur with HBWT.

One result of my Google search of "something for everyone": 

Montreal: Something for everyone - Travel Weekly 

www.travelweekly.com/photos.aspx?album=914712&category...‎

I really could go on and on and on. I will continue
to add examples as they inevitably come to my
e-mailbox. Feel free to contribute your examples as well.

In the meantime, I would advise all would-be travel auteurs to use the 
phrase in one context only. Follow the lead of the Family Vacation Critic. 
In discussing multi-generational travel, she recommends:

Plan Something for Everyone 

Whatever time of year you're traveling, make sure you have plenty of different activities from which to choose, as well as ones with varying degrees of "difficulty." And don't expect everyone to participate in every activity.

Brava, Family Vacation Critic! Good advice and kudos on the use of something for everyone.