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Monday, February 18, 2008

A Belated Valentine from Roger Clemens to his Lovely Wife

With all of the hoopla surrounding the circus that was Clemens v. Congress, I have yet to notice anyone bring up a very salient point. For upon reading the evidence, it would appear that Roger Clemens was ready to hurl his wife under the bus in order to remain undiscovered in his HGH usage. Hear me out. Roger Clemens is asked to pose with his bikini-clad wife for the infamous Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Roger wants his wife to look really striking. After all, the hotter she looks, the more the average male reader will think, "Wow, Roger, 350-plus wins and a smokin' wife to boot. You da man."

Now, I would imagine most husbands might suggest diet and exercise to achieve the hot bod. Who on earth would recommend Human Growth Hormone, except someone with familiarity with it?

Perhaps I "misunderstand" how Debbie managed to access HGH from none other than Roger's personal trainer Brian McNamee, especially without Roger's knowledge. But I doubt it. Anyway, let's go back in time for a moment. Debbie takes a shot (although how only one shot helps, who knows. One report said it would do swell things for her boobs). The night of the injection, she has a bad circulatory reaction to the shot. Most loving husbands, especially those for whom health care costs are not an issue, would run their wives to an emergency room, or call the family doctor to make a housecall (methinks the Clemens' probably have the clout to do that). Instead, from reports I have read, Roger tells his wife to wait the reaction out, or something to that effect. Now, this suggests two things. Number one, perhaps Roger has had the same foul reaction in the past, so he knows it's a minor league problem. Or consider this scenario. Debbie goes to Dallas, or whatever Texas city where her doctor resides, and gets treated. Suddenly, questions will arise about her use of Human Growth Hormone. These questions are likely to toss the issue right back into hubby's ample lap, just as the whole steroids in baseball issue is starting to come to light.

My guess is that maybe, just maybe, Roger thought it best to keep Debbie at home, not for her own good, but to save his own hide. Imagine what would have happened if Debbie's circulatory reaction wasn't just a minor deal. What if, days after the injection, she had the same symptoms. Would Roger have continued to keep her away from doctors at the risk of her health and his potential exposure?

Mind you, Debbie doesn't appear to be much of a prize herself. First, a delightful quote from her website: "The laws of life and fitness, as I call them, are to plan ahead, be practical and use common sense. Eat healthy; be dedicated to workout, recognizing life’s necessities that serve you well." Obviously, taking Human Growth Hormone to make your boobs look bigger in a photo shoot is both commonsensical and one of life's necessities for the Debster. Again from her website, a recounting of the SI incident: "Roger came to me one day and told me that we had been asked to do a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated. I had major anxiety! I was a 39-year-old mother of 4! Once I realized that this WAS going to be a reality, I decided I had to give it everything I had. I am not a risk taker, but have since learned that with great risk, sometimes comes great reward." Hey, Deb, what was the risk of which you were speaking?

Now, a few quotes from Debbie in the wake of the hearing. "I stand by Roger 110%," she reportedly said with Hillary tears. "I only wish that--like him--I could have just said no." Or my personal favorite: "It was wrong, and I apologize, especially to all those little girls out there who are just strapping on their first training bras." Yes, I am sure that multitudes of tweens are taking time away from Hannah Montana to dwell on the bare-breasted implications of Debbie doing drugs.

Anyway, dear reader, I am aware that this is a travel blog, and that this column has absolutely nothing to do with that topic. But as a life-long basefall fan (Go, Cubs!), I just had to get this off my non-Human Growth Hormane-enhanced chest.

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